Booze Reviews: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence)
THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (First Sequence)
Release Date: April 28th, 2010
Director: Tom Six
Writer: Tom Six
Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura, Andreas Leupold, and Peter Blankenstein
Icons of Fright has given Aaron Pruner and Jack Conway a very dangerous assignment: to review the infamous film “THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE”. As a dedicated team of journalists, our intrepid heroes chose the only logical solution to tackling the job – getting ridiculously drunk. These are the transcripts from their recorded 2 hour ordeal. Reader Discretion is advised.
Jack – Okay, I’ve now had enough 100 proof rum to dive into this bastard. Aaron, you appear to be drinking something from a cursed silver chalice.
Aaron– It’s whiskey. The decanter makes it classy.
Jack – Oh good, I’m glad you brought your A-game. The Centipede will accept no less.
Aaron – Okay, I’m starting it. Set sail for ass jokes!
Jack – This is going to go badly.
Aaron – His name is Dieter Laser!
Jack – Dieter Laser: The best actor name in…EVER!
Aaron – DIETER LASER?! Because Udo Kier wasn’t available?
Jack -That is correct. Because Udo Kier is a pussy when compared to anyone named Dieter Laser.
Aaron – Damn. Dieter Laser. Now what will my German porn name be?
Jack –Okay, so that’s….Laser….Monkey Fight….Tank. What’s his name again? I forgot it already. This rum is awesome.
Aaron – Dieter Em Effing Laser!
Jack - Look at that dude. He’s wearing the face of someone else.
Aaron – He looks like every 50 year old you see at a Goth Club.
Jack – All two of them.
Aaron – All he needs is a poet shirt and eyeliner.
Jack – Look how much face he has. He looks like a Geiger test sketch. I think WETA created Dieter Laser. Did a great job too!
Aaron – He looks like a Harryhausen monster.
Jack – Remember on the show “Angel” when he turned into a puppet?
Aaron – Okay so he has a shotgun AND a trenchcoat.
Jack – This is an Inspector Gadget prequel. Christopher Nolan took it to a really dark place.
Aaron – Inspector Gadget: The E! True Hollywood Story.
Jack – Is that a deer rifle? “The Most Dangerous Pooping Game”!
Aaron – I’ve seen a lot of pornos that start like this.
Jack – Scheisse! They bought some wooden shoes? Oh, wooden shoes! Holland. I get it.
Aaron – I got some wooden shoes for you.
Jack – I don’t know what that means. Do you know what that means?
Aaron - It means I have some shoes made of wood.
Jack – Oh.
Aaron – I’m still waiting on the graphic nudity. Is it bad to say early on that I don’t care about either of these girls?
Jack – Not at all.
Aaron – I’m really rooting for them to just go and get to the ATM already.
Jack – I’m hoping that when they get to the ATM and get sewn together, that they put the girl with the giant crystal necklace in the middle. Then when they’re tromping around, her necklace will just sort of bop up and hit the dude in the front in the balls a little bit. Just to kinda let him know she’s there, and then he gets a little extra somethin somethin.
Aaron – That’s probably a fetish that already exists.
Jack – You know, “a little bling for your thing” as they say.
Aaron - You need to put that on a bumper sticker.
Jack - The crystal will just kinda slap him in the junkular area.
Aaron – Junkular? So the crystals will hit him in the jewels!
Jack – I don’t get it.
Aaron – Because people call a man’s junkular area “jewels”.
Jack – Nope. Still don’t get it.
Jack – I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest these actresses will do a better job acting when they both have mouths full of ass.
Aaron – I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s a great outfit to wear to the club they’re going to, Club Bunker!
Jack – Yes! Bunker, the Late 80’s & Early 90’s Soccer Mom-Themed Hip Hop and Adult Contemporary Dance Club!
Aaron – Maybe they play Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga at Bunker.
Jack – Perhaps. We call that Baga.
Aaron – Jady Baga! Sounds like a German performance artist.
Jack – THE Jady Baga. You know, this movie has some serious porn sounds. If I was your neighbor, I’d be quite excited about what Aaron’s watching right now.
Aaron – I warned my neighbor, “If you hear moans, screams, or puking…I’m sorry”
Jack – All aboard The Centipede, ladies!
Jack - Okay, who’s this guy now? Is it Dieter? I already miss him.
Aaron - No, it’s Jerry Lewis! He’s huge in Europe!
Jack – “Yes, hi, Mr. Lewis, we’re whores. What’s the German word for whore? Schloppy vugens?”
Aaron – I need to write down German Jerry Lewis’ pick up lines immediately. These will definitely work for me at Bunker!
Jack – My Super Sweet 16 People Sewed To My Rectum
Aaron – This is a lovely game of butt tourettes we’re playing.
Jack – I genuinely thought the days of making characters in horror movies just to get killed was over. Am I naïve?
Aaron – You know what I like? Everything that comes out of their mouths is exposition.
Jack – Yep. You know what’s going to be better? When everything coming out of their mouths is, “MMMMRRRRPPPPHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!”
Aaron – Dieter Laser’s back!
Jack – It sounds like a vehicle doesn’t it?
Aaron – The new stylish and sleek 2010 Dieter Laser.
Jack – The ’09 was good, but the ’10 is pretty damn amazing.
Aaron – They get 90 miles to the gallon and you control it with your mind.
Jack – You must, however, buy three at a time. It’s like The Dodge Caravan but way more literal in that it comes as an actual caravan.
Aaron – Like a covered wagon train in the 1800s.
Jack – My beloved dog, I knew that.
Aaron – I’m Jewish. I don’t read German.
Jack -You have a vendetta against this movie. You’re coming in wrong on this one.
Aaron – Well if he has no drains in his shower, we’ll know.
Jack – It’s Dieter Laser time!
Aaron – Enter Dieter Laser and his German Boner.
Jack – How psyched is he right now? “Dear Penthouse, I can’t believe it happened to me.”
Aaron – More like, “Deyuh Peyunthaus”.
Jack – Dear Pentulshuggenkragen.
Aaron – Udo Kier would’ve been alright.
Jack – F*ck Udo Kier! They had Udo Kier’s name on a piece of paper and Dieter Laser’s name was also on that paper and his name came down and smashed Udo Kier’s name like the giant animated foot in Monty Python. Just BAM and it said “Dieter Goddamn Laser!”
Aaron – Not even interviewing the guy… he’s hired!
Jack –Would you interview Dieter Laser?
Aaron – I’m Jewish. Would I be in the same room with Deter Laser? No. No I would not. My ancestors would be weeping in their graves.
Jack – What’s worse than Nazis? Nazis with f*ckin’ lasers, that’s what.
Aaron – Wait, he slipped her a roofie? This is a highly respected doctor and all he had to drug the girl with was a frickin roofie?
Jack – Doctor Feelgood, as it were. Wait, Germans can have British teeth?
Aaron – It’s all that meth.
Jack – Fun fact, Dieter Laser’s head is made entirely of Sculpey.
Aaron – That is a fun fact.
Jack – It takes six hours every day to make his head.
Aaron – He looks comfortable. That’s a nice looking robe.
Jack - It’s Sunday at The Centipede Lab.
Aaron – Dieter Laser, he’s like the German Fonzie.
Jack – This movie is kinda like LADY AND THE TRAMP if you think about it.
Aaron – I do want spaghetti. Except there are no dogs, it’s not animated, and Disney is definitely not involved.
Jack – You don’t know that.
Aaron – I don’t.
Aaron – Do you think once they’re all sewn together, that when the first person is fed it comes out the last person a diamond?
Jack – Only if the last girl is Superman.
Aaron – At least he had a comfortable Posturpedic in his basement for them
Jack – I’m guessing that girl’s a 6 on the Sealy chart. I’m a 4, but she probably needs a little more support in her lower lumbar, so I’d say she’s a 6.
Aaron – There are websites out there that specialize in this kind of “girl strapped to a hospital bed crying hysterically” porn. Wait, he’s going to cut out their teeth?!
Jack – So you can’t masticate.
Aaron – But you can masturbate still. You know what I’m saying?
Jack – And you can help out your buddy. Sometimes bling for your thing isn’t enough.
Aaron – The Dingleberry Dancearound.
Jack – I think that was a failed monster cereal. There was Count Chocula. Frankenberry..
Aaron – The Buttnugget Boogie.
Jack – Booberry. Fruit Brute.
Aaron – I bet Jenny and Lindsay are pretty sad they didn’t call Triple A.
Jack - This whole movie is a commercial for The Auto Club and its benefits.
Aaron - The Fecal Flop N’ Jig
Jack – That’s on Melrose, isn’t it? They have really good pie there.
Aaron – Delicious pie and sensible shoes.
Jack – If George Takei was German, he’d be Dieter Laser.
Aaron – Dieter Laser is one of the founding members of Kraftwerk.
Jack – He is ALL of Kraftwerk. Like the Voltron Lions.
Aaron – Dieter Laser is The Kraftwerk Centipede.
Jack – If all of Kraftwerk merged into one great robot, it would be Dieter Laser.
Aaron – That’s why he’s so damned tall!
Jack – Oh that painting! Symbolism!
Aaron – If this were a Rorschach test, I’d say Mom every time.
Jack – That makes a lot of sense.
Aaron – This was KFC’s first draft for advertising the Double Down.
Jack – It would have worked on me! That painting has me famished.
Aaron - I call that painting "Siamese Vagina Chicken Babies In Summer"
Jack – Aaron, with the equipment he has on them and the way they are positioned, I pose this question: “How is this different from roller derby?” Answer the question!
Aaron – Skates.
Jack – So hypothetically, if I Photoshopped skates onto their feet, you would not know this was THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. You would just think they were getting ready to crack the whip and fight the “Houston Hotties”.
Aaron – I like how they put the hottest girl as the caboose of this train. She’s got a bit of a caboose. Know what I’m saying? I’d like to play in her back yard.
Jack – Well, I hope you like company!
Aaron – The girl in the back just needs to stand up and give the biggest piggy back ride ever.
Jack – All of their arms work. Their hands, digits, everything but their knees work.
Aaron – So you’re saying they’re having sexual relations in the other room?
Jack – I am saying they can all bear arms and be a centipede of axes!
Aaron – That one girl just keeps crying.
Jack – The name of the sequel: Human Centipede 2 – Tears On My Butthole.
At this point, the audio becomes impossible to transcribe. Jack appears to have sat on the remote control and stopped the film. The following clip details the next minute of Jack and Aaron drunkenly attempting to start the movie again.
Following this, the audio again becomes garbled as the film reaches its climax, and Jack and Aaron become more inebriated and belligerent.
***WARNING*** SPOILER OF THE FILM’S ENDING AHEAD!
Jack – So the cops are coming, what’s the Doctor going to- OH YES! Pinkies out, bitches! That’s how you scalpel fight in Fancy Town!
Aaron – Annnnnnd now the cops are back. And there’s blood EVERYWHERE.
Jack – “Can I help you?”
Aaron – “I was, uh, painting the nursery red.”
Jack – “I was just making some salsa for you officers. Hope you brought chips!”
Aaron – “I brew ketchup downstairs?”
Jack – It’s time for the self-destruct button, Dieter. If you’re a mad doctor tampering in God’s domain and you don’t have a self-destruct button, you’re bush league and you deserve to get caught.
For the next ten minutes, the audio content is reduced to two men screaming “No, don’t go in there!” and various slurred expletives. The film ends.
Jack – I must admit. That was an even more horrific ending than I expected.
Aaron – And she’s dead.
Jack – You are now sewn to two dead people. Next?
Aaron – Like a burger between two dead buns.
Jack – Aaron, yesterday I was cleaning out my wallet and I found a punch card from a crepe place on Sawtelle Avenue. I realized that place is no longer open and I was only two punches away from getting a free crepe. That really bummed me out.
Aaron – You know what would bum me out even more?
Jack – Hm?
Aaron – If you had your mouth sewn to some guy’s ass, who’s dead, and then had your ass sewn to your best friend’s mouth who is also dead.
Jack – Slightly worse than the crepe thing, you’re right.
Aaron – Perspective, man.
Nine hours later, the morning after overview. The HangOverview, if you will:
Jack – I had the weirdest dream last night. And by weird, I mean that I won’t be able to maintain an erection again until the year 2016.
Aaron – And here I thought the Mayans were warning us the end of the world was coming in 2012. At least you’ll have a boner in purgatory, Jack.
Jack – I’ll say this for the film: At the end there, you and I totally forgot we were here to make comments for the readers and were instead yelling at the screen. Isn’t that what a good horror film is supposed to do?
Aaron –I suppose you’re right, Jack. Plus, without the epic genius that is Dieter Laser, this movie would have completely failed. Good or bad, it definitely did invoke a response.
Jack – Well, I’ll say it was certainly watchable, even if I was watching it through my fingers while screaming into my own hand. I’d also like to say I hate poop and poop jokes in movies (in other words, I don’t own a lot of Kevin Smith films) but I somehow got through this one. Plus, I made more drunken poop and ass jokes than I thought humanly possible. I think I’m growing as a journalist, Aaron. Thank you, HUMAN CENTIPEDE!
Aaron – I believe you can up the ante on your drunken poop joke quota, Jack. I can’t say I’d have enjoyed the movie sober. Hell, I’m not sure this can be described as an enjoyable movie. But if shocking imagery is your thing and a medically accurate yet ridiculous concept gets you going, then THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE is the movie for you!
Jack – Now let us never speak of this again.
Aaron – Yes, please.