MAD MAN DAN AND HIS DINNER WITH 2009

Editor’s Note:  To be honest, I’m not a list guy.  I think they’re trite, unimaginative, and when I look at the other horror sites, their lists are all generally the same.  Sure, there may be some movement between what’s #3 on one site’s list and #4 on another, but must I see the same 10 or 20 flicks from the last year or decade, best or worst, ad nauseam?  So when Mike and I sat down a few weeks back, we agreed not to do the same, humdrum lists.

And then Mad Man Dan came into the picture.

Bringing his uniquely psychotic perspective to the whole idea of lists, then blowing up that idea and subverting it brought a fresh angle to lists.  And so I proudly present Mad Man Dan Price’s Dinner with 2009.  We don’t censor the Mad Man on Icons of Fright;  we just let him off the leash.  Enjoy the unhinged rush.

--Phil Fasso

 

Good Evening kiddies.  We’ve been on a rollercoaster of a year haven’t we? The ups have been high and the drops, low. We’ve seen some trash and some glories, not to mention the customary remake or six (plus plenty more to come). We’ve seen the failure of the SAW beast, and the return of cinema verite. With the way things are 2010 is starting to shape up to be a more interesting year, with plenty of stuff on the horizon. But for now, ladies and gentlemen, we have to wrap up the year the way we always do. By taking our opinions to page and force feeding you till you agree with us! That’s right, it the best/worst of the year time again, and there’s been a little change with my list this year.

You see, there’s been so many outstandingly good and bad films released this year that it’s been difficult for me to actually label them from best to worst.  So whilst you’re giving this a read, keep in mind that the numbering system is but a guide and with exception to the top two good films, the numbers are just a formality.

Another thing I should mention – be patient people, you know I deliver– is that being a Down Under dweller, I don’t get to check out the latest delicacies of the horror world as readily as others might, god forbid I turn to that naughty, naughty thing we call downloading. Some of the films below have been out for a while now, just keep in mind that this isn’t necessarily a list so much as… MY DINNER WITH 2009… enjoy.

 

THE GOOD

1. THE SIGNAL

Every now and then there comes a movie with the potential to alter our genre, a movie that brings new flavor and interest back to it, a movie that administers a straight shot of the crazy back into horror. Ladies and gentlemen, The Signal.  Whilst the rest of the horror community got to check out The Signal a while back, it wasn’t until earlier this year that Australian fans could pick up the DVD and see it for themselves. The wait was worth it.

The Signal is one of the best independent films ever made. Period. End of story. No argument, no exception. Made on a micro-budget, it manages to achieve above and beyond what most mainstream flicks just scrape the edges of, proof that genius doesn’t need a budget.  History has shown that multiple directors tend to cause more chaos then cohesiveness, but in the case of The Signal it pays off in spades. Each act tells a different, but still interconnected story;  each is of course directed by a different director, granting each of the three acts a different taste and feel.

2. TRICK ‘R’ TREAT

Halloween.  It’s a day we all know, a time to dress up in spooky costumes and go from door to door begging for candy armed with tricks.  But do we really know all there is to the night of All Hallows Eve? Most people are unaware of the day’s ancient traditions, or worse still, we’ve forgotten. And as Trick ‘r Treat teaches us, some things are best not forgotten.

I love Michael Doughty, but more importantly I LOVE Trick ‘r’ Treat. There’s something welcomingly fresh and fun about it, as four stories intertwine into one on the night of Halloween, resulting in the best anthology we’ve had in a long time. You can expect some creepy, some gore, some suspense, dread, shock and surprise.  Watching Trick ‘r’ Treat is like watching a moving horror comic from yesteryear about the long lost traditions of Halloween. Don’t just welcome a new horror classic, but make it a new tradition to the night we horror fans call ours.

3. DRAG ME TO HELL

June 20^th marks the day that I got dragged straight to hell, and goddamn… I had a blast. As a Raimi fan I was begging to see this, hoping, praying it was going to come to a cinemas near me. It just had too. It wasn’t a big movie and I sure as hell don’t live in the most cinematically central of locations, but when I saw the big banner hanging high in that foyer, I did a jig to end all jigs, I sang, I danced, I hugged, but most of all I waited. If I may, I’d like to regal you all with the story that was my night out with Drag Me to Hell.

So me and a couple of buddies rock up at the cinema, about ten at night and we were hoping there wouldn’t be too big an audience as we were in the city, and city folk are synonymous for not being able too shut their traps in movies. A little crest fallen we were when we went in and saw a jam-packed audience whom we soon realized knew not a thing about horror. I heard praise for Rob Zombie’s Halloween uttered around the crowed and even someone calling the Prom Night remake the scariest thing they’d ever seen. Friends, let me tell you, I was worried. I expected booing, I expected eye rolling, I expected dislike of an ignorant manner. What I got was the single best movie going experience of my still young life. The crowd, which was predominantly black, was going insane, throat soaring, voice rasping, ear popping, uncontrollably NUTS. They screamed, they laughed, shrieked and ran from the theater. I witnessed the very definition of cliché that night when the slightly plump, very urban, black woman behind me gasped at a sound and proceeded to scream at the screen, “Bitch don’t open that door!” Now imagine a whole theater full of that. And whilst some would find that difficult to have when watching a movie, with Drag Me to Hell it just added to the experience.

I can only assume that’s what it was like seeing Evil Dead II in cinemas for the first time. Drag Me to Hell is proof that Raimi needs to get off the Spiderman high and back into the horror seat for another round of splatter the blood because wow does he still have it. Drag Me to Hell is one of the first films to have me on the edge of my seat quite literally from from the moment that intro finished and the title ripped a hole in the sound barrier on screen. I was hooked and giddy the entire time.

4. THE HILLS RUN RED

Show me a horror fan that isn’t much of a slasher fan, and I’ll tell him shame on you. A good portion of our genre was dedicated to masked murderers stalking, slashing and killing attractive (or dictated by the low budget,  decent looking) teens who are only out for a good time. Sadly most slasher flicks aren’t a good time;  in fact, most are downright abysmal. We’ve been in need of a good one for a while now, and wouldn’t you know it, our patience paid off in a big way, a big bloody way.

The Hills Run Red isn’t wholly original; it owes a lot to the seminal slashers of the 70’s and the 80’s. Like those, it’s a good time with badass kills, a rocking new slasher icon and enough twists, turns, spills and thrills to last until the sequel. The story plays like something from a 1970’s exploitation film about a bunch of film students trying to track down a print of an infamous and mysterious horror film The Hills Run Red, which dropped off the face of the earth. Babyface is the film’s featured bad boy, and he is about as badass as a masked slasher can possibly be. If this were the 80’s Babyfaces name would’ve been uttered with the same fear and infamy as Freddy or Jason. Could this be this generation’s iconic slasher killer? I hope so.

5. THE ORPHANAGE

When it comes to horror I will sample anything and everything, but when it comes to being genuinely scared, and I mean head in the back of my seat, fist clenching, white knuckle terror of just what could be making that noise, I prefer it to be left to my imagination. As the saying goes, what we don’t see is scarier than what we do. The story of a mother returning to the orphanage she was raised in only to have the memories of the past become the torments of her present.

I have to wonder exactly what genre The Orphanage falls into because whilst it’s many things not one single aspect of it jumps out to claim ownership of the whole, instead it’s a bunch of different emotion jerking strings tightly strung and struck to perfection when that particular chord is required. It manages to genre hope between being an old fashion ghost story and the tale of a mother desperate for answers when her son disappears one day, without showing a seam or loose threat. I can’t remember another film that left me feeling so grief stricken and heart warmed at the same time. The Orphanage is quite simply perfect.

(AND JUST BECAUSE IT NEEDS TO BE SAID)

6. SAW VI

Selected somewhat unfairly, not because it outright deserved to be called one of the best films of the year so much as I was surprised it wasn’t topping the end of this list like the franchise has for the last couple of year. For the first time since 2006 I walked out of a SAW movie with a smile on my face.  The franchise I had once loved had managed to regain control of its frenetic, incoherent, and quite frankly stupid direction. This time last year I was a ball of vile hate whenever the name SAW V was mentioned, a film that reeked of being a TV Movie with a little extra gore added in for effect. It was boring and uneventful in ways a movie like it should be, and as a result I was dead for the next entry.  After V I had no desire to see the next entry but still, there was a lingering want to know if it could resolve itself.  And so Halloween rolled around and I allowed myself one last ride of the SAW merry-go-round.

Selected somewhat unfairly, not because it outright deserved to be called one of the best films of the year so much as I was surprised it wasn’t topping the end of this list like the franchise has for the last couple of year. For the first time since 2006 I walked out of a SAW movie with a smile on my face.The franchise I had once loved had managed to regain control of its frenetic, incoherent, and quite frankly stupid direction. This time last year I was a ball of vile hate whenever the name SAW V was mentioned, a film that reeked of being a TV Movie with a little extra gore added in for effect. It was boring and uneventful in ways a movie like it should be, and as a result I was dead for the next entry.After V I had no desire to see the next entry but still, there was a lingering want to know if it could resolve itself.And so Halloween rolled around and I allowed myself one last ride of the SAW merry-go-round.

SAW VI, while not altogether special in any way, shape or form, managed to pull a couple of tricks out of the bag we haven’t seen since the first couple of films.  These made it exciting, intriguing and genuinely suspenseful. Perhaps it was the lack of middle child syndrome, because where the past films were criticized for the lack of answer and abundance in questions, SAW VI does a commendable job of tying up a good chunk of the seemingly endless number of loose ends whilst still remaining its own entity, something the previous films failed abysmally at. And though it closes on a fairly open ending it’s the first one in a while to make me excited to see what comes next. Dare I say it?  Sure:  Bring on SAW VII!

Honorable mentions:

MEGA SHARK vs. GIANT OCTOPUS

 

Whilst I couldn’t bring myself to name it one of the best flicks of the year, I couldn’t let ‘09 end without making mention of it. Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is as guilty a pleasure as one could find all year.  Because it came from The Asylum, one would expect an extended spell of sheer boredom without sight of either titled beasties. 

Instead, we’re gifted with utter brilliance in the form of a 90 minute cheese fest. Laughable acting, ludicrous plot and some of the coolest (albeit, stupidest) monster action you’ve ever seen makes Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus a must-see pick for your next “so bad it’s good” movie night.

 

TOKYO GORE POLICE

 

If you want too talk over the top crazy topped with splatterific intensity, then look no further than Tokyo Gore Police.

Trust the Japanese to make something that is dry retching one minute and laughing at the sheer absurdity of it all the next. In the future, the police force of Japan are fighting things called Engineers, which are capable of assimilating things like chainsaws and blades into their form. Ruka is a samurai sword- wielding, self cutting, fem-cop that has a troubled past. Do the math. 

The story is sometimes hard to follow but when there’s so much bloody mayhem (quite possibly the reason for being unable to follow) who cares.

 

 MY BLOOD VALENTINE 3D

On the big list of condemnable remakes, I don’t hold Patrick Lussiers 3D variation of My Bloody Valentine up as one of them. It was just as campy and fun as the original, which to be fair wasn’t all that great to begin with.  But am I a fan? Yes. Do I jump to its defense? No. So the remake didn’t bother me too much and I had a good time. Not to mention the 3D was top notch, the effect of seeing not just an object pop out every now and then, but the whole environment just engulfing mewas impressive and helped to immerse you into the film. I dare say it’s not nearly as enjoyable in its 2D form but the films called My Bloody Valentine 3D for a reason, so I won’t rag on it for that. Whilst I won’t ever call it a good movie I still couldn’t call it bad.

NOT QUITE HOLLYWOOD

 

Not really a horror movie and not really a movie of 2009, Not Quite Hollywood doesn’t make it to the list but nobody knew about it till the DVD and there’s a whole ton of horror flicks covered in the documentary. 

So I thought it only fitting to give it a mention.Australian Exploitation (or Ozploitation if you will) films where rife back in the day.  I don’t care how nuts your countries flicks were;  mine was crazier. The documentary spans three genres of Ozploited films:  action, sex and horror. And it does so with such nostalgic glee you can’t help but revel in the stories of yesteryear when sex, blood and wheels ruled the Down Under.

 

 

THE BAD

1. FRIDAY THE 13^th

*Takes a deep breath* Here we go… where shall we begin? Oh I know…

In 1980 a movie came out which was at times scary.  The Friday the 13^th remake is not.

In 1980 a movie came out which was creative.  The Friday the 13^th remake is not.

In 1980 a movie came out that was both really bad but really fun.  The Friday the 13^th remake is only one of those… guess which.

I cannot be accused of not giving the Friday the 13^th remake a chance; I wanted and expected it to be good. Jason looked badass, there was enough new and revamped elements to make business interesting, and everything about the flick seemed like it was going to be a rip-roaring good time. Not necessary a good film but definitely a fun one. So when did it all go wrong? I’ll tell you when, when it failed to be the only thing it should have been, fun. It was a bland and tasteless, as unimaginative as a slasher movie could possibly be. Let’s face it, if there’s any one reason why we fans enjoy a good ol’ slasher it’s for the kills, and Friday the 13^th had none that are any good.  Oh sure people got sliced and diced, but not one of the kills were the slightest bit interesting. It’s become painfully obvious that Platinum Dunes puts more work into crafting the look of their film then the film itself because whilst it looks very pretty, it just emphasizes how underwhelming the film really is.  Screw this movie with a three foot machete.

2. TOKYO ZOMBIE

When a DVD promises the Asian equivalent of Shaun of the Dead, lemme tell you folk, those are some tall orders to fill. A friend of mine saw Tokyo Zombie before I did and warned me it was intolerably bad, so I wasn’t expecting much, almost certain I was going to be disappointed.

It’s not the humor that killed it for me, because I’m fairly used to the slapstick Asian horrors tend to hand out – just look at The Host – but this… this is just stupid, and painfully so. Watching the two dolts who are the lead characters bumble their way around Tokyo is like a chore, or worse, a punishment:  “That’s it, another twenty minutes watching Tokyo Zombie for you!” And that stupid ending! Never has an ending made an entire film more redundant than Tokyo Zombie.  Watch this, and you have wasted a whole ninety something minutes of your life.

 

 

3. TRAILER PARK OF TERROR

 

You know what’s worse then just a bad movie?  A bad movie that not only had potential but carried great hope in it. Trailer Park of Terror is a title that screams of a good time but instead rapes the holy hell out of you while you sit there stunned at just how underwhelming it really is.

No movie has the right to make redneck zombies suck, but Trailer Park of Terror is so riddled with painful cinematography, poorly written dialogue, cliché characters and lacks anything awesome that it never manages to reach its true potential and leaves you wondering why they even bothered.

 

 

 4. CHILDREN OF THE CORN (SYFY REMAKE)

 One must ask, what person decides to remake Children of the Corn? Not in a why are they remaking Halloween kinda way so much as a why remake The House on Sorority Row kinda way. Let’s face it; it’s not really a film that screams for… well… anything. The first one stunk. The sequels stunk, all six billion of them. But I digress.  Let’s go back to first question because it’s really bugging me:  who would think a Children of the Corn remake would be a good thing? Oh yeah, the SyFy channel… makes sense now.

My friends, this franchise has not seen so much inactivity since Children of the Corn VII: Isaacs Revenge, in which Isaac does more to bore then revenge.  Whilst it does stay very true to Stephen King’s short story, it’s proof that maybe that’s not such a good thing, which should have been obvious from the beginning. It’s a 20 or so page short story and they try to make a deadly accurate depiction of it in full length, so at some point it was bound to go wrong.  This would explain why there’s enough unnecessary dialogue to make Tarantino roll his eyes.  And talk about hate-able; at some point in the movie the husband decides to go back and save his woman and you can’t help but wonder why! She is the most irritating, bitchiest, downright dislikeable character you’ve ever wanted to reach into the screen and strangle for a long time.

At some point it’s goes beyond boring straight to laughably silly. Remember the scene in Rob Zombies Halloween – sorry to recall such traumatic events but it’s necessary to make me sound funny – when young Michael dons the shape mask and looks like a bobble head? Remember how much we all laughed at that? Well imagine it’s an Amish kid wearing the biggest hat you’ve ever seen that’s not a sombrero. When you see it I dare you not to laugh.  On paper it has potential to be somewhat sinister, the whole “little kids playing the role of adults” deal, but it’s one of those things best left on paper… not unlike the rest of the film. Silly, stupid, just plain bad, but at least it looked pretty… right?

5. WRONG TURN 3: LEFT FOR DEAD

Talk about a total failure to follow up. Whereas Wrong Turn 2 left most fans with a raging cinerection, complete with complementary bloody lube, Wrong Turn 3 will leave you flaccid. It’s like that Russian mail-order bride that looked like a banging hottie in her web photo but when she turned up on your doorstep you gotta wonder if you ticked the wrong box. “Hey!  I didn’t order the underwhelming with a side of ugly!”

Wrong Turn 3 plays more like a Fugitive wannabe with special guest hillbillies; well make that hillbilly as it all rests on the shoulders of old boy Three Finger, the one through line for all the films. Three Finger however is little more then a side plot that takes the backseat to a whole lot of prison angst and squabbling. When your sole villain is a plot point integrated only to provide conflict but never truly a matter of concern himself then you gotta ask yourself what movie you’re making. The whole thing just feels cheap and rushed; the acting was bad, the effects were bad, the whole thing was just bad. At least Lynch gave a damn. This sequel was little more than a cash-in on the previous films’ underground success. Shame, there was potential here.

Dishonorable mentions:

RETARDEAD

 I didn’t want to include Retardead in this list because I’d prefer to keep it populated by real movies, and Retardead is anything but a real movie.  It’s a home movie that wants to be a real movie, so badly that it hurts.

It’s no surprise the movie was put out by Brain Damage films because after one viewing you’ve got to wonder just how brain dead were the people responsible for its creation. Abysmal in ever aspect, I find it impossible to believe that even the people who made it were happy with the end result. Some things are just better left in your desk draw.

 

THE TERMINATORS

You have to hand it to them; those folk at The Asylum have some big brass balls. They’ve made a living out of pumping out pulp in the shape of bigger budgeted films without getting sued yet.

The Terminators is by far one of their biggest feats of rip offery. Strangely though, it doesn’t resemble the real The Terminator at all, the only really derivative aspect being the presence of robots that look like human beings, played by the same actor for added cheapness.

The acting is universally bad but what’s with the effects? They’re surprisingly not bad, they’re not all that great but hell I’ve seen worse in Asylum films, but in the end though it’s still just a terrible movie with a terrible plot badly altered from a better on.

 

THE UGLY

Here we honor this years flicks that gave me a reason to bitch, whether they be good or bad; we can all agree they’re just plain ugly...

1. PARANORMAL ACTIVITY

Let’s be honest:  Is anyone really surprised to see this on the list? If you are then you’re probably one of the lucky ones not to get caught up in the maelstrom of gossip, hype and equal loathing that followed Paranormal Activity from it’s “Who the Hell’s seen this movie?” to its current “Who the Hell hasn’t seen this movie?” status.

Whilst I didn’t outwardly dislike the film, I can’t honestly say I loved it.  The moments that scared me or gave me a good jolt to the senses did so well and frequently enough but didn’t manage to keep up long enough to bridge the gaps of nothing that bored me ever so much. It was like a great lover that was only good in small bursts. Not to mention the boyfriend who mocks, teases and antagonizes his girlfriend about the most traumatic experience of her life before calling the demon out like he’s Rocky about to go three rounds with it. And we’re meant to empathize with him.

 

I’ll go no further because you can check out the big Paranormal Activity write up which will be up soon, where Fasso, Mike C and myself vent all of out opinions on the flick.

2. ZOMBIE LAND

 Ask anyone and they will tell you I am a zombie movie fanatic, I love me some flesh eating bastards; the more zombies the better. Nothing gives me a bigger cinerection than a sea of the undead. Good stuff, man. Which is why I got so super extra excited when reading the zombirific title of Zombieland, which conjures up images of endless hordes of fresh hungry mofos with more carnage candy then you can handle. The trailer looked badass and Woody Harrelson had never looked more awesome. So tell me people, where were the zombies? Where? Tell me where in this big budgeted, big star…ish, big in general, glossy, high hyped flick did they hide the freakin’ titled ghouls?

Strangely enough I really dug, nay, LOVED the movie first time round. It made me laugh, cringe, guffaw and most of all it made me joyous.  But then I made the mistake of seeing it again.  I quickly found out that Zombieland is one of those movies where repeated viewing just expose painful and malicious cracks in the outer layer of awesome. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a good load of violence and carnage in it;  the opening title sequence was sheer and utter brilliance painted blood red, and it’s funny as all hell. But watching it again I began to notice how uneventful and bare a movie called Zombieland shouldn’t be. It’s worse still when you seem to be the only one who notices.

3. TERMINATOR SALVATION

 Now I’m pushing it.  I know this is predominantly a horror site and for all intent and purpose Terminator Salvation isn’t a horror movie but that is exactly why it’s on this list! Your honor, I’d like to call Terminator Salvation to the stand if I may. Give me a second to get back to the genre thing because there’s something that need saying first and foremost:  Just because it’s an action movie, doesn’t mean it’s given a free ticket to suck. I don’t care if it’s only meant to be a dumb boom fest, it still sucks. I have been told more times than I care to count that I just “didn’t get it, it’s only meant to be a brainless action flick with lots of pretty explosions.” No, it’s NOT! That’s not what The Terminator was and it’s not what Terminator II was;  sure, Terminator 3 was but hey look what happened to that. And now we get back to the topic of genre. 

Am I the only one who remembers that The Terminator had its own little home on the horror shelf at video stores? When that came out it was a bona fide horror movie because for all intent and purpose it was a slasher movie about a robot, horror/sci-fi at its best, dark, brooding and frightening. When did all of that stop mattering? When did the Terminators become un-scary? I’ll tell you, it’s when McG decided to make the brightest and stupidest excuse for a franchise buster with plot holes big enough to drive a tank through and the worst raping of a character since I don’t know when.

For three movies now we’ve seen John Conner brought up and billed as the prize fighter for humanity, and now he’s just relegated to the background so Sam Worthington can have some screen time as a character with no rhyme or reason to exist, to the point where this movie could not have existed and it’d have no impact on the story whatsoever. Say what you want about T3 but at least it felt like a part of the story. Terminator Salvation is little more then fan wank.

--Mad Man Dan Price