The Vault Of The Forgotten And Obscure

WELCOME TO THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE!!!

ALTHOUGH THESE OVERLOOKED FOOTNOTES OF MOVIEDOM HAVE BEEN LOST IN THE ANNULS OF FILM HISTORY, THEY STILL EXIST IN THE MEMORY OF OUR CINEMATIC SUBCONCIOUS!

THESE ARE THE FILMS YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE NAMES OF, BUT ARE SURE YOU SAW THEM!

THESE ARE THE FILMS WHO'S TV SPOTS SCARED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!

THESE ARE THE FILMS THAT WERE MADE IN A TIME WHEN MOST OF THE COUNTRY WAS COKED UP!

SOME ARE HITS. MOST ARE MISSES. BUT EVEN THE FAILURES ARE SO SPECTACULAR, THEY CANNOT BE DENIED!

DO YOU DARE ENTER THE VAULT OF THE FORGOTTEN AND OBSCURE??? READ ON, AT YOUR OWN PERIL! -JSYN.

10/30/07: THE VAULT LATE SUMMER/ EARLY FALL EDITION

Hey Jerks,

Wanna know what sucks? I’ll tell ya… the weather here in Brooklyn. Most people think Brooklyn is part of New York, but it’s not. It’s actually part of Hell. I know this because the Good Lord would not allow such punishment of His children to go unnoticed. Al Gore was right; Ming the Merciless is sending our sun crashing into Earth, and the big “X” is squarely on the top of my building. There is no other explanation. For the past, I don’t know… ten months or so, Brooklyn has been a hot, humid, stinky, sweaty, smelly, stifling mess. I am a very temperature sensitive person and when my eyelids stick together because of the swamp that once was my neighborhood; I can only seek solace in extreme air-conditioning which those Republicans at ConEd have been more than happy to provide at a butt-raping rate.

But there is hope. There is something to look forward to. Yes, the cool, breezy, wonderfully fragrant autumn air which is precursor to winter’s icy chill. It’s almost hoodie season and I for one, could not be happier. Fuck you summer. Get the Hell outta here with your heat and sun and sweaty stinky people all over the place. Although I will miss your wonderful bra-less boobies under skimpy t-shirts and tanned, leggy, tattooed art school co-ed’s with the shorty shorts and cute haircuts.

That being said, the summer was not wasted (truthfully it was but that’s another story) as I delved even deeper into my beloved Vault, plucking the dingle berries of cinema from the damp, sweaty, stinky nether regions of moviedom all for your reading pleasure.

THE OUTING (aka THE LAMP) / 1987/ d: Tom Daley

Way before the Wishmaster was the Djinn, the first evil genie in a bottle. A group of teenagers whose looks betray their age sneak into a Museum after-hours to eat snacks and get laid. Cool! Points for originality right there because who even thinks to do that kind of thing? They fuck around, somebody rubs an evil magic lamp and you know the rest. For real though, this movie is a true lost gem. Really good story, direction, performances and some great production design from Bob Burns of TEXAS CHAINSAW fame. I also really dug the makeup FX work and the Djiin design was fucking awesome. The way the FX team handled the physical genie smoke effects was pretty cool. This is way above average across the board compared to most horror movies made at that time and I strongly recommend hunting it down on eBay or at the next horror convention. I’d even push for a sweet Special Edition DVD if anybody reading happens to have the time, money and inclination. My one gripe is that the producers should have stuck with THE LAMP because “THE OUTING” is a suck-ass title that sounds like something your drunk, 43 year old “bachelor” uncle would do at Thanksgiving dinner.

THE DARK /1979/ d: John “Bud” Cardos

The always fucking awesome William Devane takes on a zombie serial killer from space that can shoot lasers out of his eyes and has like, psychokinetic type powers and whatnot. I gotta say this one has its moments and is rather entertaining. I think I like it as much as I like C.H.U.D. which is saying a lot. Supposedly Tobe Hooper was replaced as director at the last minute with Cardos jumping on board. Interesting. I seem to remember another film that Hooper was also supposed to “direct”, something about ghosts and a little girl being sucked into a TV. Or something. Anyway, if you scoot down to your local Best Buy you can pick up this movie in a three-pack along with THE BEING and some other movie I can’t remember for like 15 bucks. Devane is worth 15 bucks ALONE buddy boy, so you got yourself a real bargain right there.

NIGHT LIFE /1989/ d: David Acomba

A lost zombie movie starring Scott Grimes as a nerd who is picked on by preppie douche bags who all die in an accident and later come back as zombies because of a lightning strike and bother him some more. I stress the words “lost zombie movie” because I’m not sure it will ever be found…or should. The zombie pics I remember from an old issue of Fango looked pretty neat, so maybe its worth checking out just for that. Lemme know how you make out…

THE POWER /1984/ d: Stephen Carpenter and Jeffery Obrow

All I remember about this one is the title. Never saw it, don’t know anything about it except the synopsis on imdb. If anyone out there has seen it, write me and I’ll update this listing, stealing all the credit for myself. Ha! No seriously, if it means that much to you, by all means claim the bragging rights to remembering some utterly forgettable dung bomb from the Eighties and then taking the time to write about it for our uber-geeky website so all our ubergeek readers (all seventeen of ‘em) can appreciate it. Be sure to include your full name and email address so I can make sure I got all the info right for the byline. Nerd!

(Editors note: we have more than seventeen readers.)

SILENT RAGE /1982/ d: Michael Miller

The closest we’ll come to seeing Chuck Norris vs. Jason Voorhees. Well maybe not exactly in the literal sense of Chuck fighting an undead killing machine hell bent on revenge for the death of his Mom and I guess to an extent himself; more like Chuck vs. a human test subject being tinkered with by unscrupulous scientists who enabled this bipedal guinea pig to instantly regenerate injuries. Thus being the perfect foil for the ass-whompin Chuckster in his “moustache of death” heyday. The first 20 minutes or so are really great, shot like a horror movie with said indestructible loony going berserk with an axe in his boarding house. Things start to fall apart slightly when the sci-fi nonsense kicks in, but the fight scenes later make up for it. There is some futile attempt at sidekick humor by “you’ll know him when you see him” actor Stephen Furst, as well as some painfully ham-handed attempts to bring out Norris’ inner sex symbol. Yikes! Awwk-ward! Also starring the only man in the world more evil than the Evil Barnick… the dastardly RON SILVER! This one is always good for a chuckle, a chortle or a snicker. -Jsyn 10/07

Hey Jerks!

Jsyn here, once again back where he belongs. Much like the way Mr. Kotter couldn’t stay away from his delinquent Sweathogs, I woefully miss my dear Vault. Admittedly, this column has been in dire need of updates… but not unlike the many, many ladies that crave my attention, I get to it when I can.

Because I have, like, so many ladies.

Damn my good looks!

That said, welcome to the SUMMER VACATION EDITION of THE VAULT!!!

THE BURNING/ 1981/d: Tony Maylam

Ah, Summer Camp Psycho flicks… by far, my favorite horror subgenre. Now I know most horror folk are all bonerriffic about the Haddonfield slasher (I’m gonna say it right here: not the biggest HALLOWEEN fan) or dirty back road chainsaw swingin’ cannibals (I say if’n you dim enough to leave the main road, ye deserve ta be et) and while there is a soft spot in the boiler room of my cold, dark heart for Mr. Krueger, my fave nutters are the ones that run around summer camps. Don’t know why exactly, maybe it’s because I never had the summer camp experience myself and have always regretted it. Come to think of it, I really like almost ANY movie that takes place in a summer camp. MEATBALLS is a desert-island-disc for me and I seem to watch it constantly. And right up there with the F13TH movies (at least the ones that actually take place in or around a camp) MADMAN (who the fuck hides in the refrigerator?) and SLEEPAWAY CAMP (last shot=young me scarred for life) we have a not quite forgotten yet sorely in need of a proper release flick called THE BURNING.

Tom Savini’s FX, Fisher Stevens, Holly Hunter, George Costanza and believe it or not, the fucking Weinstein Brothers crafted an awesome little summer camp splat fest about a kooky killer with a drinking problem named Cropsy, his hedge clippers, and those kids at the camp what did him wrong who he fully intends to use said hedge clippers on. Word. The thing I liked best about the movie (besides the wonderfully splatty hoopajoo) was the easy character development with the actors playing real, not spouting forced, inane dialogue about “scoring”. There are all kinds of personalities thrown in the mix and before you know it, most of ‘em die horrible deaths. Much respect to summer camp psychos who don’t discriminate. It’s even got that cinematic equivalent of a hearty sneeze, the “reveal” of the killer’s face at the end. Classic! If you’ve never seen it, don’t bother hunting it down on eBay or at a local horror con, because as of this writing I just found out it’s going to be available unrated on special-edition DVD come September! Score!

As a side note, my favorite parts of these summer camp movies is where a group of kids huddle around a campfire and the older guy tells the tale of the murderer/ghost/what have you and then some tool jumps out and scares everyone. MEATBALLS had a classic one because Bill Murray told it, the one from MADMAN took place right in the beginning and is worth the price of the DVD alone, CLUB DREAD had a pretty funny one, and even THE FOG tried it except it was a campfire on a beach with a salty old seafaring gent spinning the yarn. Feel free to write me with YOUR favorite campfire story scene from a movie or favorite summer camp movie. I’m writing a book!

THE VIDEO DEAD/1987/d: Robert Scott

This overlooked media fart from the early days of video rentals has a pretty clever idea behind it: a mysterious television set that only plays a continuous zombie movie is a portal for the TV zombies to escape into the real world and cause chaos in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Overall, it’s pretty entertaining and the makeup effects are really fucking cool (even for that time). Of course the non-professional (aka “bad”) actors stand out from the good actors and most of the dialogue is like, totally grody to the max. Example: Annoying Hero Kid exclaims, “The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is my all-time favorite horror movie! I’ve seen it six times! SIX TIMES!” Ugh. I guess back in the days before VHS rentals, watching a movie six times was a big deal. I mean, that dude had to literally go to the theatre six times in order to see it six times, unless of course he snuck in. But even that is risky. I can’t think of any movie I would go to the theatre and watch six times. Including HOWARD THE DUCK. And here’s a tip for all you “screenwriters” out there: If you are a man in your Forties, and you are trying to write dialogue for a girl in her teens… don’t. Just don’t fucking do it. Try to find a real live teenage girl and ask her what she would say and how she would say it in whatever the situation is. Because nine times out of ten, you are writing shit that no teenage girl with a standard I.Q. would ever say, EVER! I don’t care how low budget the movie is, lame dialogue is lame dialogue. You ain’t getting paid by the word there Shakespeare.

Now that I think about it, THE RING seems to be very similar to THE VIDEO DEAD… dead people coming out of TV’s and all. Meh, I’d rather watch THE VIDEO DEAD again. It’s one of those “Sunday movies”. You know the ones… they are mildly interesting but mostly retarded, and you are just too hung over to actually get up and put on something else. Fantastic! Find it on VHS suckas. – Jsyn. 6/07

THE VAULT - JANUARY 2007 EDITION!!!

Hey Jerks,

Since my last post, a strange and exhilarating thing has happened. I have watched, no… experienced some truly great films. I’m talking GREAT, in the sense that these films made water leak from mine eyes. Are these the “tears” humans speak of? My cold, withered heart, once two sizes too small, grew and swelled two sizes too big with emotion and inspiration. If you take a peek at my TOP 15 OF 2006, you’ll see what I’m talking about. CHILDREN OF MEN especially took my breath away. It’s simply sublime, incredibly moving, and technically one of the most impressive films I have ever seen. The level of craftsmanship involved in making this film at first humbled me and then, inspired me to aspire to that level of greatness in my own work. Yes, this film stirred something so deep within my soul, I began to re-evaluate every decision I have ever made concerning artistic film making!

And then I watched ONE DARK NIGHT / 1983 / d: Tom McLoughlin

Our story begins with a “sorority” consisting of one annoying blonde girl, one African-American girl who constantly has a toothbrush in her mouth and a very cute Dottie from PEE-WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE. We know they are a sorority because they have matching satin jackets with “SISTERS” embroidered on the back. That got me thinking about how I would like to have a nice embroidered satin jacket. Maybe an ICONS OF FRIGHT team jacket with our names embroidered on the front and the logo on the back. I really think in this day and age, embroidery is fast becoming a lost art, and we should all do our part, whenever possible, to keep the craft alive. Just the word itself: embroidery… rolls right off the tongue. EMBROIDERY. Ahhh.

Oh right, the movie. Anyway, some goody little two-shoes wants to show how badass she is so she decides to “pledge” the sorority but she is going out with annoying blonde girl’s ex-boyfriend so annoying blonde girl tells goody little two-shoes that she’s gotta spend the night locked in the local mausoleum for her initiation then girl with the toothbrush gives her some Quaaludes to sleep but they are really tabs of acid or some shit so she trips out and annoying blonde girl and toothbrush girl break into the mausoleum to try and scare her Scooby-Doo style so she’ll break initiation and not pledge because annoying blonde is still chuffed about goody little two-shoes dating her ex-boyfriend BUT, and now pay attention here kids, BUT there just happens to be a PSYCHIC MADMAN recently buried in said mausoleum who uses his awesome psychic powers to return from the grave and re-animate the bodies of the dead but what we really get are some shots of what appears to be whatever corpse props the FX guys had left over from their last, higher-paying gig with mealy worms stuck on ‘em, being “puppeted” by having some grip hold the stick they were mounted on just out of frame and attack, and I use that term loosely, our gals until the hunky (?) captain of the basketball team BF shows up to rescue (?) them, but it’s really the PSYCHIC MADMAN’S daughter (who is married to Adam West, in probably the most subdued role of his career) that re-kills her own Dad with a mirror compact. The End.

Now don’t get me wrong, CHILDREN OF MEN is an excellent film… but THIS is quality, made-in-the-Eighties, life-affirming entertainment. These films are like that skanky whore you used to date who totally puts out… the one you end up going back to after you date that pretty-in-her-own way, intelligent, nice girl who breaks up with you when she finds out that you lied about really liking her poetry. This is a fart-in-the-bed-after-sex comfort lay. Find it on Amazon or just ask me and I’ll lend you the VHS my buddy Bryan gave me.

12/06: THE VAULT - DECEMBER EDITION!!! Howdy, fiends! Robg here. Jsyn's up in Westchester (home of the X-Men) working on a movie or something, which means I'm taking over the VAULT this month! Don't worry, I dug thru my old VHS tapes and found 3 forgotten gems! Here we go...
	HIGHWAY TO HELL /1992/ d: Ate de Jong “I’m gonna scoop your brainnnnsss!!!” BOOM! “Scoop your own brains!” And with that exchange of dialogue, I fell in love with this little cult flick, Highway To Hell. Ready for the breakdown? A movie with Chad Lowe (not Rob) as the lead?! And he’s trying to save his girlfriend Kristy Swanson (also star one of my other Vault personal faves Wes Craven’s Deadly Friend) from Patrick Bergin who plays Beezle (Psst, he’s the devil!) and the freaky Hellcop, who sports a concrete head with signatures all over it. (He’s played by CJ Graham who played Jason in Friday the 13th 6: Jason Lives) This oddball gem of a Vault pick also featured dozen’s of cameos with Ben Stiller and his pop Jerry Stiller, female rocker Lita Ford, and Gilbert Gottfried as Hitler! It’s a wild, bizarre little movie, and believe it or not, was the follow-up movie to director Ate de Jong’s Drop Dead Fred! This one’s screaming for a DVD release, but in the meantime, you should be able to hunt down an old VHS of it. Ice cream scooper and shotgun not included. FRIGHT FACT! Highway To Hell was actually one of the first things written by Brian Helgeland, who later went on to write & direct Payback with Mel Gibson and Knight’s Tale with Heath Ledger!? He also wrote Robert Englund’s 976-EVIL, a few episodes of the Friday The 13th series, and the original story treatment to Nightmare On Elm Street 4?! –Robg. -12/06

	I COME IN PEACE (aka Dark Angel) /1990/ d: Craig R. Baxley Wow. This is one of my favorite movies… of EVER!!! Director Craig R. Baxley followed up his Carl Weathers epic ‘Action Jackson’ with I COME IN PEACE! (The shooting title was ‘Dark Angel’). It’s about this wacky looking alien (actually, just a creepy tall dude with white contact lenses) who runs around saying “I Come In Peace” before shooting out a CD disc which slices and dices the necks of his victims. He then injects them with heroin and sucks up a fluid from their brains. (Endorphins) Why? Because he’s a drug dealer! From space! Not cool enough for ya? Ok, Dolph Lundgren plays Jack, the cop that’s after the alien because of the death of his partner after a drug bust gone bad! To make things worse (or better for us!), an FBI agent has been assigned to tag along with Jack… and it’s good old Smith (played by ‘Dream On’s Brian Benben!) What follows is a fun, original, kick-ass 90 minutes of pure Lundgren awesomeness. Rest assured that before the movie is out, you’ll hear the catch phrase “I come in peace…” “And you go in pieces!” Love this one! FRIGHT FACT! Did you know that director Craig R. Baxely was also a stunt coordinator on dozens of films, including PREDATOR, THE WARRIORS and even episodes of THE A-TEAM?! –Robg. -12/06

	SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT 3: BETTER WATCH OUT! /1989/ d: Monte Hellman Oh bliss! What would a December VAULT edition be without one holiday themed flick! Sure, most people talk about the controversial Silent Night Deadly Night Part 1, or the hilarious cult favorite Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2, but 3 is definitely Vault-worthy! It turns out that Ricky Cladwell, the Santa Claus killer from SNDN 2 is still alive! He wears a fishbowl on his head, which exposes his brain (even though, err… he was shot in the chest at the end of the last one) and he’s played by Rob Zombie’s favorite actor Bill Moseley (even though Bill looks nothing like the previous Ricky). Aw, hell, I dig this ridiculous flick! It was (I believe) the first Silent Night movie I found as a kid, and I actually took this franchise serious, because this movie tried to be serious! (Little did I know, when I finally got around to renting Part 2!) Bill Moseley (Ricky) escapes and starts killing people. Apparently nobody finds it odd that this creepy guy is walking around with his brain exposed on the top of his head. Or the fact that the only person that knows what he’s up to is a blind girl with an unexplained psychic attachment to Ricky. Oh, and good old Robert Culp ('The Greatest American Hero'!) is the cop that’s out there ready to bring Ricky back in. (Dead or alive!) This movie’s a bit slow, but I liked Moseley in it, and the music was reminiscent of Halloween’s score. Again, I think they were making a serious effort with this one. They came close! FRIGHT FACT! Director Monte Hellman was an executive producer on Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs! And, there were also 2 more direct-to-video sequels to Silent Night Deadly Night, neither of which continued the story of the crazed Santa Claus killer. Part 4 was directed by Brian Yuzna, and Part’s 4 and 5 featured actor Clint Howard!? –Robg. -12/06

10/06: The Vault of the Forgotten and Obscure HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!

Hey Jerks,

Jsyn here in this most wonderful time of year! Ahhh, go ahead and breathe it in… the air is crisp with a hint of that awesome wood burning fireplace smell. Hoodies are once again all the rage. Candy prices shoot skyward as the value of flip-flops plummets (unless yer a dirty hippie that is). Yes friends, it’s Hallowe’en time again, and that’s the way I’m gonna spell it. Nothing like ye olde tyme spelling and grammar. It makes me yearn for a simpler time when folks took this holiday seriously, not like the cloned iKids of today.

Back in the day, you would spend months planning your costume. This was because the only alternative was a crappy plastic mask and attractive smock combo your Mom would buy at the local Woolworth’s. Case in point, the best homemade costume I ever had (Indiana Jones! Yeah!) Versus the store-bought worst (Scooby fucking Doo. Thanks Ma).

Trick or Treating was planned out with military precision. Intelligence gathering, reconnaissance, and field communication were applied and carried out to ensure the best haul. We literally used to dump garbage bags of candy out on my living room floor. Our only natural enemy: High School Seniors. Those mullet headed, Cavaricci wearing, IROC driving dicks that terrorized us unmercifully with shaving cream and rotten eggs. There were also rumors of fire extinguishers filled with piss and/or Nair, but we had the good fortune never to encounter such atrocities.

Another part of the yearly ritual was the “Halloween Special”. This was when your favorite TV show, cartoon, toy or breakfast cereal was granted an often-time cheaply made, Halloween themed spin-off televised event. Sometimes they would even make up a whole new special or movie-of-the-week without the corporate tie-in. Believe me, I watched them all and I relished every inane minute of programming.

In honor of this, my most favorite time of year and also as a sad tribute to days gone by, I’d like to share with you some of my favorite Halloween specials.

Mr.Boogedy /1986/ d: Oz Scott

BOOGEDY, BOOGEDY BOO! Holy fucking shit that was scary! I mean, no it wasn’t. At all. To anyone. Ever. It wasn’t even scary when I was a kid. Mr. Boogey was some ghost dude with a pizza face that floated around spouting that insipid catch-phrase. The thing was we didn’t actually get to see Mr.Boogedy until the last 3 minutes of the show. Everything prior to that is a hazy blur, probably because unless there was a cool looking, pizza-faced ghost dude on the television I could give a shit less. This was also a Disney production, which makes it even more horrifying. I remember Kristy Swanson was in this as “The Daughter” and she was one of the first girls I “had feelings for” at that young age. Also appearing in this Halloween Craptacular Classic were Bud Bundy and Gomez Adams.

Another interesting note: a year later, a sequel called “Bride of Boogedy” was aired. I never saw it because I guess I realized at that age I was too cool for watching bullshit Disney Halloween baby crap and graduated to more adult horror fare. Do yourself a big favor and DON’T hunt this down on eBay just because you haven’t thought of this movie in years and now your interest is piqued and you know, when you get in that mode you just gotta have it right now no matter how much it is and then you spend way too much money on a crap homemade DVD from a crappier 10 th generation vhs master and realize as soon as you put it on what a fucking piece of shit this nugget of Halloween nostalgia really is. True story. –jsyn. -10/06

The Midnight Hour /1985/ d: Jack Bender

Now here is one that I remember being kinda cool and would actually like to see again. It involved a witch, a curse, some kinda spell book, a Dracula, a dentist, a cheerleader from the Fifties and some zombies. I think the zombies had a song and dance sequence but hey, it was the age of “Thriller”. This above average Halloween made-for-TV movie sported an all-star cast with the likes of Shari Belafonte, LeVar Burton, Peter DeLuise, Michelle Pfieffer’s sister, Dick Van Patten, Wolfman Jack, and my personal favorite, Kurtwood (Clarence Boddiker) Smith. Some years ago, Anchor Bay put this out on video and DVD. Of course now it’s totally out of print and like $100 on eBay. I’d never pay that because I’m sure my cousin has it on VHS from when he taped it off TV somewhere. That kid never throws anything away… Fuck, I bet he has Mr. Boogedy too. Damn you eBay! –jsyn. -10/06

Disney Halloween Treat/Legend Of Sleepy Hollow

No matter how old you get, there are some things that are timeless. I’m sure one day when I have a Li’l Bastard myself, we’ll sit down one spooky October night and watch this one, like my Mom and Dad did with me. This was a collection of clips from all the cool spooky bits in various Disney movies and shows. And everyone knows the tale of Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman of Sleepy Hollow. I believe this was one of the most eerie, atmospheric pieces of animation Disney ever produced since Fantasia. Which is ironic considering this was more chill-inducing than Mr. fucking Boogedy. I can only attest this to Uncle Walt’s dark side and the Mormons taking control of the company after his death. I don’t remember if these aired together, but I do recall something with live-action bumpers featuring actor Jonathan Winters made up with a pumpkin head. At least I think it was. I’m not sure I’ve seen that version of the Disney Halloween Special anywhere since it first aired, but I know you can find the Legend of Sleepy Hollow pretty easily. Off to Netflix! –jsyn. -10/06

The Paul Lynde Halloween Special /1976/ d: Sidney Smith

Foppish comedian Paul Lynde. Donny and Marie, Bettie White, Mrs. Brady, Witchiepoo from H.R. Pufnstuff, Pinky Tuscadero, The Wicked Witch of the West, with performances from the rock band KISS. Thinly veiled sexual innuendo. Me, 3 years old. Enough said. –jsyn. -10/06

Fat Albert's Halloween Special /1977/ d: Hal Sutherland

Poor Fat Albert. His glandular problem prevented him from fitting into that Brown Hornet costume Granny made for him before she died, and now it’s up to the gang to help him lose weight so he can wear it in time for Halloween.

Nah, it’s totally not about that.

It’s fucking Fat Albert, what do you expect? I’m sure there was a moral lesson in there where the gang learns the true spirit of Halloween or something.

Maybe that was the Christmas special? I’m pretty sure he even had an Easter special. Whatever. All I wanna know is when BET is gonna re-run this. One can only hope. –jsyn. -10/06


8/06: Hey Jerks it's me, Jsyn, creator of The Vault back in action! Yeah, yeah I know it's been a while since I last posted. I've been a little busy... MAKING movies now and I haven't really had time to simply write about them. Especially the shitty ones you guys keep pestering me about. Honestly, I'm a Hollywood big shot now, I don't have time for wise-ass reviews of Z-level bombs that are only relevant to a handful of celibate horror geeks with no lives. Ugh, YES I see the irony in the fact that I AM sitting here writing wise-ass reviews of Z-level bombs that are relevant only to a handful of horror geeks with no lives. At least I'm not celibate. I got a girlfriend... she, uh, lives in Canada, yeah so what? (sigh) We may as well flip the tracks on this train wreck, so here goes:
	THE DEVIL'S RAIN (1976) d: Robert Fuest ...Woah woah woah woah woah... This is not my Batman cup... And there is a satanic horror movie from the Seventies starring Tom Skerrit, John Travolta, Bill Shatner and Ernie Borgnine that I haven't seen until now? What the hell is wrong with me? How did this one fly under my radar for so long? I guess my head is totally up my ass! I watched this on cable the other night and it fucking ruled. There's no point in explaining it because it was fucking crazy. I loved the end with the melty people and GoatBorgnine. Watch for the cameo by Anton LaVey. Yes, a real life Satanist in a satanic horror movie. Where the fuck is Criterion 'cause I got something for their "collection"? Go get this now. FRIGHT FACT! Dig the special makeup effects by the legendary John Chambers (PLANET OF THE APES)! –jsyn. -8/06

	5 DEAD ON THE CRIMSON CANVAS / MACHINES OF LOVE AND HATE (1996/2003) d: Joe Parda Let's get serious for a moment... the name of this column is "The Vault of Forgotten and Obscure" so I'm gonna get really obscure on your asses with these two picks. 5 DEAD is a love letter to Italian giallo films of the sixties and seventies. Giallo itself is a very specific subgenre that not everyone has a taste for, so if weird Italian slasher flicks aren't your cup o'blood, move along. But those who are open-minded enough to seek this one out and appreciate what the filmmakers were going for will be pleasantly surprised. With all the hoopla around a "retro" horror flick like GRINDHOUSE where the filmmakers set out to recreate the experience of a period subgenre, it's easy to see 5 DEAD get some belated and well-deserved recognition. Basically, two guys from Long Island made a 70's Italian giallo movie in the 90's... entirely on Long Island. Bravo!

	Now MACHINES OF LOVE AND HATE on the other hand, is fucking trippy and frankly I've never seen anything like it. Here's what it says on the box, "A mysterious hitchhiker, who can only remember nightmarish fragments of his past is picked up by a car driven by a beautiful, but deeply troubled young woman. He is whisked to her secluded home where he meets her strange parents. Here, in this dysfunctional house of horrors, will his past, present and future, intersect with supernatural phenomena, blasphemous resurrection and apocalyptic revelations." Werd. Combining some disturbing elements, a little bit of an erotic thriller, maybe even a little bit of dysfunctional family drama in there, MACHINES is wholly original. Eileen Daly (RAZOR BLADE SMILE) and the ubersexy Tina Krause are reason enough to check this out, but there is much more here than just some cheesecake. These two flicks almost feel like they belong in another place and time. The closest I can compare the filmmaking style would be to that of David Lynch or Dante Tomaselli, and I mean that as a sincere compliment. For those hungry for something radically different, raw and maybe even a little bizarre, seek these out and feel good about supporting truly independent visionary filmmakers. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0007UC4P2/sr=8-2/qid=1155007553/ref=sr_1_2/002-7660450-8053655?ie=UTF8 http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BVNWW6/sr=1-1/qid=1155007599/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7660450-8053655?ie=UTF8&s=dvd –jsyn. -8/06

	RETURN TO OZ (1985) d: Walter Murch Make fun all ya want, but if you haven't seen it, umm.... shaddupa you face! Bizarre, horrific, insane, wonderfully irreverent. I don't know what that last one means but I saw it in a review of a Woody Allen movie. Picking right up where the original left off, Auntie Em thinks Dorothy is nuts so she drops her off at a Children's Hospital for the Mentally Insane, where they actually perform shady procedures on children! Dorothy escapes and ends up back in Oz somehow to stop somebody from doing something to the Munchins or whoever. Don't ask too many questions and just marvel at the sheer audacity of the studio (yeah, DISNEY) that greenlit this "sequel to the Wizard of Oz". See, the 80's were ALL about sequels. Remake Fever is definitely a post-Millenium thing. Ah, the good 'ol days... For those of you out there with actual living, breathing g-g-girlfriends (or the like), surprise 'em with this one night and get ready for some heavy petting! FRIGHT FACT! This was Faruzia Balk's (the hot wacko goth chick from THE CRAFT) first movie. Isn’t it weird watching a movie from the 80's with a little girl that you know turned into a hot woman in the present? Deliciously weird! –jsyn. -8/06

	BURNT OFFERINGS (1976) d: Dan Curtis Ok, here is another absolute gem of Seventies horror which has gone mostly unnoticed by audiences today. If you were born before 1980, you might have seen this on WWOR or WPIX one lazy Sunday afternoon. A family moves into a big scary house to act as caretakers and nursemaids to the reclusive old hag that lives in the attic or some shit. That alone should have tipped them off, but hey, there's a swimming pool! The Mom starts to take her duties a little too seriously and the Dad has visions of a ridonkulously creepy chauffer who wears his sunglasses at night. And the house seems to clean itself up after any unfortunate "accidents" occur. You wanna talk about star power? This one's got Karen Black! Oliver Reed! Burgess Meredith! Bette freakin' Davis! Great cast, and great stuff from the guy who made "Dark Shadows" and like a zillion other atmospheric genre pieces. One of the coolest "the house is alive" movies ever, this is kinda like an amped up, adult version of MONSTER HOUSE. Close this window and head over to Amazon.com right quick, before Hollywood remakes it with some twat from One Tree Hill. FRIGHT FACT! Bette Davis supposedly hated this film, the script, the director, the crew and told them off daily. I heard she was an old bitch anyway. –jsyn. -8/06

	REFLECTIONS OF EVIL (2002) d: Damon Packard Simply one of the greatest films ever made. The term "genius" is thrown around much too freely these days. My friends, true genius comes from a place where precious few dare to tread. It comes from a place of utter obsession and passion, a place where the mainstream and the fringe are one and the same, a place where ideas and images flow together like thoughts. My dear friends, I give to you a film that has changed my life forever. I will never look at my art or my passion the same way again. I honestly think Mr. Packard is not of this Earth. He simply vibrates on a different frequency than most human beings. Is he our savior? Our Messiah? Only time will tell, but I will ask you this, my dear, dear friends... Do you have the inner strength to decide for yourselves? www.reflectionsofevil.com FRIGHT FACT! I met Damon Packard before I knew who he was. Since watching REFLECTIONS OF EVIL, I have been working nonstop to tune myself onto different levels of consciousness in order to travel back in time to that fateful day with the knowledge I now possess. –jsyn. -8/06

DEADLY FRIEND /1986 / d: Wes Craven

Ya know, it’s funny when you remember watching something as a child and loving it, and then re-evaluating it as an adult, only to realize how terrible it really is. Well, there’s 3 things I remember about ‘Deadly Friend’. 1) It was made by Wes Craven – the dude who made that Freddy Krueger movie that also scared the shit out of me. 2) The lead was this new young actress named Kristy Swanson, who for some reason I was uncontrollably in love with in this movie. (And honestly not in anything else since.) and 3) The ‘Throw Mama From The Train’ lady gets a basketball thru her face causing it to combust – “Scanners”-style! I finally found a copy of this childhood favorite at the last horror convention I attended. And how’s it hold up now as an adult? Well, it’s terrible. And I still love every second of it!

Paul is this nerdy kid who hangs out with his pet robot, BB. (He’s short, yellow and has an attitude for anyone who tries to steal the family van.) Sam (Kristy Swanson) moves in next door with her mean, abusive father, who about 20 minutes into the movie, beats her to death. (Sorta. He hits her. She falls down the stairs.) Unable to cope with the loss of his new best friend Sam, Paul essentially rewires her brain so she’s like BB the robot. The zombie/robot Sam remembers the people who have wronged her in life and decides “What the hay? I’m going to kill them.” Oh it’s so bad, it’s good. Why God, WHY… is there no special edition DVD of this?! Complete with commentary?! Try to hunt this down. It’s worth it alone for the oddball ending (which makes absolutely no sense, yet still scared the shit out of me when I first saw it as a kid!) Oh, wait for the credits. You’ll be treated to a cheesy 80’s song that keeps calling out “BB!”. It’s fan-freakin-tastic.

FRIGHT FACT! One of the many taglines to this movie was “Not all nightmares happen on Elm Street”! –robg. -7/06

	DARK NIGHT OF THE SCARECROW /1981 (TV)/ d: Frank De Felitta Wow. What a fucked up made for tv movie! Larry Drake (of Dr. Giggles & Darkman fame) stars as a retarded man, who is unjustly accused of killing his best friend, 12 year old little Marylee (Tonya Crowe). He hides out in the cornfields dressed as a scarecrow and is gunned down by a group of hick vigilantes. And it’s not until after they shoot him that they realize it’s all a big mistake and the little girl is fine. These hick bastards get away with the murder, but later end up being stalked one by one by a mysterious scarecrow seeking vengeance! There are so many recognizable faces in this flick. Postal worker and head of the posse Otis is played by Charles Durning (When A Stranger Calls, Sharky’s Machine, Tootsie, tv’s Rescue Me). Lane Smith (My Cousin Vinny) is also one of the vigilante crew and I’m sure you’ll recognize a number of the cast from dozens of movies. I know a lot of people remember catching this on TV as a kid, but I have to thank Chris Garetano for introducing me to this lost & forgotten gem. It’s not “officially” on DVD yet, but you can easily find it on line or at a convention. FRIGHT FACT! Dark Night Of The Scarecrow was directed by Frank De Felitta, who also wrote the novels ‘THE ENTITY’ and ‘AUDREY ROSE’, both of which were also adapted into feature films! –robg. -5/06

	THE GATE 2 /1992/ d: Tibor Takacs A lot of people might consider the original GATE to be a VAULT pick, but quite frankly, I think the little-seen sequel deserves the title of “forgotten & obscure”. It’s not really that good of a horror film, but I remember rushing to see this in theaters. If you’re a die-hard fan of the original, then as a completist, you owe it to yourself to see this at least once. Louis Tripp returns as Terry from the original GATE and decides to start conducting some rituals to help improve his troubled home life, since his father’s jobless and his buddy Glen moved out of town. (Hell, the little guy’s lonely). He discovers though that by capturing a demon, he can conjure up wishes, only his granted wishes eventually turn to shit. Literally! The flick also stars Pamela Adlon (Segall, also from ‘Say Anything’) as Liz, the gal Terry pines for. THE GATE 2: RETURN TO THE NIGHTMARE or THE GATE 2: TRESPASSERS is available on DVD everywhere except the US. (FIGURES!) I got my copy from Canada at www.dv-depot.com. I’ve seen it on Amazon.com as well. Happy hunting. FRIGHT FACT! Director Tibor Takacs also directed I MADMAN which starred Jenny Wright, whom most genre fans recognize from the cult classic NEAR DARK and The Lawnmower Man! –robg. -5/06

	NIGHT OF THE CREEPS /1986/ d: Fred Dekker In honor of the release of James Gunn’s ‘SLITHER’, I had to make a Vault contribution for ‘Night Of The Creeps’ – the classic 80’s horror/comedy gem from director Fred Dekker! In an era where “slasher” flicks were supreme, here came this oddball flick about a bunch of alien slugs that start possessing a town by turning their hosts into mindless zombies! This movie opens aboard an alien spacecraft, where an “experiment” is injected into a capsule and sent to 50’s era earth. Skip forward to the 80’s, we’ve got two geeky friends in college trying to get the attention of school beauty Cynthia. Before you know it, the alien infected teen from the 50’s get de-thawed, slugs are on the loose, and college teens start becoming zombies. Enter Detective Cameron played by horror legend Tom Atkins, who spouts catch phrases like “Thrill Me”. This is one of those movies that had 2 alternate endings, and you were never really sure which ending you were going to get when you’d catch it on TV. This bad boy’s not on DVD just yet, but hunt your video stores or e-bay, because this is one that should never have been forgotten. And now with SLITHER just released, at least it’ll seem familiar to anyone who was a kid in the 80’s. FRIGHT FACT! Director Fred Dekker also directed the beloved ‘Monster Squad’ and err… ‘Robocop 3’?! –robg. -4/06

	DEMONWARP /1988/ d: Emmett Alston Honestly, I just recently discovered this Vault pick at a horror convention. Any flick with the title ‘Demonwarp’, which stars George Kennedy and features an odd Bigfoot-like creature on the back I was sure was going to be quality crap! And sure enough, I loved this ridiculous movie. This is off-the-wall B-movie bliss. It features former Playmate Michelle Bauer. And hell… it features Billy Jayne! (Buddy from 80’s teen favorite ‘Just One Of The Guys’ and ‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!’) Honestly, I can’t spoil it for you. Just know that there’s a Bigfoot monster, something to do with an alien ship in the mountains, and one of the most bizarre movie endings for a vault pick I’ve ever seen. I dare you to find this! FRIGHT FACT! The script was based on an original story by make-up effects artist John Carl Buechler, who also directed fan-fave Friday The 13 th Part 7: The New Blood and designed the film’s “Bigfoot” creature! –robg. -4/06

SAVAGE HARVEST /1981/ d: Robert E. Collins

Ok folks, here it is... my very best favorite Vault pick EVER!

This movie...this gorgeous, fantastic, crazy fucking movie... is the bomb-diggity. Let's break it down: A pride of big cats terrorizes an American family on their plantation (?) in a remote part of Kenya. See, the lions, tigers and panthers (oh my) are hungry because a drought has killed off all those yummy gazelles they used to snack on. So, following the Giant Feline train of logic, they move on to the other white meat, i.e. people. Because it's the Seventies, there's no cell phones. On top of that, the short-wave radio is shot and the family van is on blocks. With no hope of rescue or escape, the family barricades themselves in their opulent home, struggling to survive the savage onslaught of... uh, savagery!

There are some of the most insane animal attacks I have ever witnessed in this film. The animal trainers should be commended if they aren't already dead from mauling. There's one scene where a fucking lion jumps outta fucking nowhere, swats the maid, and then drags her off screaming BY HER FACE! Gah!...gives me the willies just thinking about it! And then, dude... AND THEN a fucking lion sneaks into the house through the fucking CHIMNEY! And then eats the husband of the maid who just got eaten!!! Fucking incredible!

The best part is the last reel. The family knows that time is running out... they have to get out of that house! Their only hope is to get to the car left behind by the poor, unfortunate soon-to-be-lion-shit soul who was met with a most savage end! In one of the smartest things I've ever seen anyone do in any movie, they build this cage-like MacGuyver contraption to protect them from the savage fury of cats gone wild! Fucking incredible, yet again!

I don't know what else to say, this movie fucking rules! The lions, the MacGuyver Cage, the savagery, Kenya... this movie has it all! Where else can you watch a boozed-up Tom Skerrit protect his estranged family from a pride of pissed-off, man-hungry big cats? Fucking nowhere! And it's not just the gimmicks... this is an incredibly well-made movie. You can feel the heat of Kenya, the stink of blood on the dusty ground, the mind-melting tension of man against nature! I'd like to meet the director of this film and shake his hand. Job well done sir! This film deserves much better than eigth-generation VHS copies sold on eBay.

I've actually been hesitant to write about this one because I love it so much, and I know some cocksucker Hollywood type who gets his "ideas" from trolling sites like this one is gonna steal my beloved SAVAGE HARVEST, bastardize it for some shitty update, and force me to go on a murderous rampage ending badly for everyone involved. If only Quentin Tarantino or Sage Stallone would rescue this one from obscurity, or even worse, the taint of a piss-poor, watered down remake. I can only lobby and hope until my fingers are sore from typing so passionately! This movie owns with a capital "P". Hunt this one down if ya know what's good for ya, fuckers! - Jsyn - 2/06

HELL NIGHT / 1981/ d: Tom DeSimone

Hell Night? Hell Yeah! I always wondered what one does after being possessed by the manifestation of all that is, and always has been, evil in the physical, meta-physical, and even uber-physical realm of existence… well if you’re Linda Blair you go to college! But it’s just her luck that what should have been a run-of-the-mill, roll-in-the-hay, frat-boy-sorority-hussy-mixer-getaway-weekend turns into a teenage-beware, blood-filled, crossbow-shooting, knife-in-the-head massacre in the classic, eternally underrated, early 80's masterpiece Hell Night.

Murdering evil takes a slightly less universal appeal in this cut-and-dry (no pun intended) 80’s slasher classic, but it embodies all that we loved to fear in those early and, oh so crucial, developmental years. The un-f’en-known child freak locked away in the basement by our, errr, “his”, psychotic overbearing mother! (Can anyone call Freud? I need a couch and a Gin & Tonic). As the nubile (and naked) bodies start to pile up, this turns from a thriller to a blood bath and the screams are, ummm, to die for (I think I may have meant that pun). I defy anyone to get that final drone of the car horn (as Blair passes out, head against steering wheel, waiting for that night from hell to end,) out of their heads for weeks. With slash turning to pure unnecessary snuff in these last few horror years I would urge any one discovering the genre to NOT miss this late-October-rainy-Saturday-night-must-see. Especially if you still haven’t heard all the horror stories about your fraternity’s hell night, this is guaranteed to make you wish to only see a goat when you arrive! - written by Guy Kush - 2/06

VAMP / 1986 / d: Richard Wenk

Oh boy, oh boy! Jysn is away and I get to throw one into the vault! Grace Jones kind-of sorta stars as the lead female vampire of this strip joint that lures young men to their sucky-sucky fi-dolla deaths. By sorta star I mean she's all over the poster and box art, does some sort of weirdo, silly exotic dance and is gone for most of the movie. Here she ends up looking more like a parody of herself that Kim Wayan's used to do on "In Living Color". The film really focuses on future "vamp victims" Chris Makepeace ("My Bodyguard"), Gedde Wantabe (Long Duk Dong from "Sixteen Candles") as they do their best to escape the clutches of vampire bar staff. They try real, real hard to convince us that a two room strip joint is impossible to escape from, and I think Grace Jones explodes at the end. A visit to the Titty Twister it's not, my friends. (Mikec.) -1/06

	I DRINK YOUR BLOOD! / 1970 / d: David Durston THE SEVENTIES! SATANIC HIPPIES! LSD! MEAT PIES INFECTED WITH RABIES! DEATH BY FEAR OF WATER! TITTIES! MANBUSH! MANBUSH! MAAAN-BUUSSSHHH! DON'T RENT THIS... BUY IT! BUY IT RIGHT NOW THIS SECOND!!! FRIGHT FACT! When there's trouble brewin... be sure to check the bakery! I'm weeping with delight, I love this movie SO MUCH I want to marry it. Bless you, Sage Stallone... bless your heart! -11/05

	PLANET OF THE WEREWOLVES (aka RAGE OF THE WEREWOLF) / 1999/ d: Ken Lindenmuth Wow, here's a bit of nostalgia! Made for pennies DIY-styley on the mean streets of NYC, with a just a DV camera and pure desire! My good buddy Joe (NIKOS THE IMPALER, 5 DEAD ON THE CRIMSON CANVAS, and a million other flicks) Zaso and the absolutley wonderful Debbie (Scream Queen) Rochon have some fun in this apocalyptic werewolf vs. vampire flick that was light years ahead of UNDERWORLD. This was more of a no-budget version of that, crossed with PLANET OF THE APES and ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK. I cant say anything bad about this film because I freakin worked on it! Thats right, contained in this film is my acting debut as "Bounty Hunter 4". I got to battle a werewolf with a whip! I practiced for like ten whole minutes, accidentally whipped the director (sorry Kev) and got my ass handed to me by a werewolf named Santos (writer, producer and great guy). In true guerrilla filmmaking style, I also did some special makeup for the "mutants" that live underground (it was Santos' basement). You would be surprised what one can create with some gelatin, latex, and rice crispies! In fact, there's this movie coming out soon called HELL ON EARTH...um, more on that later. I know some of you might think it's hypocritical of me to NOT rip this movie apart just because I was involved in it, but hey...it's my column bitches! I always said that without the swearing, it would have made a fantastic Goosebumps-esque flick for kids. I dare you to find this. FRIGHT FACT! That other bounty hunter with the net... say hello to IOF's own RobG! Ha ha, you got a freakin' NET! -11/05 http://www.lindenmuth.com/movie_potw.shtml

	TERRORVISION / d: Ted Nicolaou /1986 In honor of this movie I made a rap song about my favorite monster ever, The Hungrybeast. ..ahem.. (Human Beatbox intro: A WIKKI WIKKI WIKKI...) The Hungrybeast! It comes from some other dimension The Hungrybeast! It lives in your TV The Hungrybeast! It's totally gonna eat ya The Hungrybeast! Hey sucka, better you than me (Human Beatbox outro: A WIKKI WIKKI WAKK!) This movie is as good as my flow is tight, ya herrd. This is embarrassing on so many levels. -9/05 (*editor's note: The character of OD is played by Jon Gries, also known as "Uncle Rico")

	THE CHANGELING / d: Peter Medak/ 1980 I just had so much fun watching crap movies till my eyes bled, I totally forgot about those underrated GEMS of my collection! It's true... there are actual worthy movies in the Vault, but why eat steak when you can gnaw on gas station jerky? Anyway, THE CHANGELING was an oops-I-crapped-my-pants-fuck you-this-shit-is-scary movie that should never be watched at night when you are home alone. Worlds Greatest Thespian George C. Scott plays a lonely guy with a tragic past who moves into a giant fucking house that's, get this, HAUNTED! Apparently, by the ghost of a child, which makes it even worse and at the same time proves not all ghost children are japanese. This is classic old-school scare filmmaking in it's purest form. It's all mood, atmosphere, lighting, pacing, composition, pure fucking talent if ya ask me! There are so many boxer-browning moments you literally dread the next scene in the house because you know something fucked up is gonna happen. That image of the red ball bouncing down the staircase out of the darkness makes me throw up with fright to this day. I was always scared of whats at the TOP of the stairs when I was a kid because of this movie. Ok, so I'm still scared of the top of the stairs, but so what? When you watch this movie, heed my word campers, you will be too! -9/05

	Let's break from the norm for a little bit and take a look at two favorite Vault pics from other genres: MAC AND ME / d: Stewart Raffill /1988 When I have a party, and it's late and I want all those drunkies to get out of my house, I dont yell or threaten to call the cops and/or immigration. I just walk over to the VCR and put on MAC AND ME. I don't even have to turn the volume up. People just look at it for a minute or two, and then miraculously, they are overcome with the urge to exit the premesis immediatley. This movie was produced by fucking McDonalds. The fast food restaurant. No, really! This movie is also useful if you want your girlfriend to break up with you. -9/05 (*editor's note: Mike C. is highly offended that Jsyn neglected to mention the musical number, set at McDonalds, featuring break-dancers, football players, and ballerinas.)

	MEGAFORCE / d: Hal Needham / 1982 I can think of nothing more horrifying than Barry Bostwick in a flesh colored spandex bodysuit and Kip Winger haircut. This is one of my favorite movies ever. -9/05

TROLL 2 /1990/ d:Claudio Fragasso

So, this is how it went down... One day, I recieved a delightful email from longtime reader Dawn G: "Hi Jay, The crappeist horror movie I ever saw was the sequel to Troll. From what I can remember it's about a family who move to, wait for it, "Nilbog" (Goblin spelled backwards, Which I am sure you figured out). Ingenious script writing! Anyways, on my travels to the local movie store, I spied Troll 2 out on DVD and couldn't believe that people would want to buy, let alone watch this crud!! I consider my self a connoisseur of crap horror movies but even this movie is to crap for me to watch. Please put this movie in your vault, just for the hell of it. Oh, and by the way, I think your website is mint!! (Manchester slang for cool)" - Dawn.

To which I replied: "Hey Dawn! Wow! My first Vault contribution from a reader! It will be updated shortly, and I appreciate you throwing more manure on the Glorious Crap Pile! So, is that Manchester, England? If so, please send me some Lion bars and Yorkie bars and a bag of Walkers Worcester Sauce Crisps ASAP! ;-) Btw, we said "mint" here in the 80's and I'm trying to bring it back! Thanks again for the kind words..." ~J.

And then Dawn wrote back: "Hello again Jay, Yes that is Manchester, England. Would gladly send you the worcester sauce crisps but I haven't seen any in ages, they must be extinct!! They were my favourite when I was a wee nipper. I am honoured to be the very first reader to contibute to your vault, does that mean I get a cash prize, just kidding. Ta Ta for Now." - Dawn

ISN'T THAT FUCKING GREAT??? Thanks to a common love of crap movies (and junk food, and 80's schoolyard slang), two complete strangers from opposite ends of the Earth become instant lifelong friends! Look at the way she spells "favourite" and "honoured"...crazy! I love it! Thank you TROLL 2, and every single person involved in your production, manufacturing, distribution and advertising! Without you all, none of this would have been possible. Hey Dawn, as soon as FANGORIA decides to buy out ICONS OF FRIGHT, I'm taking my share and jumping on a plane to sunny 'ol Manchester for a visit over pints at the corner pub... ALL THANKS TO TROLL 2!!! -7/05

	THE BOOGENS /1982/ d: James L.Conway What do miners fear more than dead canaries? THE BOOOOOOGENS! They are hideous monsters that live way down deep in the mines! They were sealed up in the mines decades ago, according to the token old codger that knows all about the BOOGENS, but no one will listen to. And now, through clever plot devices (dynamite), THEY'RE BACK! Luckily for the hungry BOOGENS, there is a house full of teenagers right near the old mines just beggin to be eaten! Look, I don't know what the fuck a "Boogens" is. Could it be a Sharkturtle? Could it be a pissed-off rock that attacks miner?. Dont know, dont care. Allas, I know is THE BOOGENS was a movie that scared me when I was a kid. I was also scared of the Hamburglar when I was a kid. Today, I am older and wiser and know that there is nothing to fear from THE BOOGENS, or for the most part, the Hamburglar. What disturbs me most about THE BOOGENS is that I can still vividly remember this asinine brainfart of a movie from over twenty years ago, but cannot for the life of me remember the name of the girl I lost my virginity to. And I still don't trust that fucking hamburglar. FRIGHT FACT! Director James L. Conway has a career steeped in only the ripest of '80's chesse, including stints on MacGuyver, Matt Houston, HUNTER, and the future vault pick, HANGAR 18! -This suggestion comes from reader Tony C. -6/05

	BLUE MONKEY /1987/ d: William Fruet This movie answers the age-old question: Are there bugs on other planets? Apparently so, the only difference is that they call 'em "monkeys" on other planets. What the hell do they call monkeys then? Do they even have monkeys on other planets? That is a question best left for the sequel. BLUE MONKEY was for the most part a fun homage to the "terrifiing giant _______ on the loose" movies of the glorious Fifties. In this case, "bug" would fill that blank. I think it was a big grasshopper maybe? I honestly don't remember all the specifics because I haven't seen this movie since I rented it from Six Star Video. And take my word for it, that was a REALLY long time ago. I would very much like to see this one again sometime, because I kind of dout it will ever be released on dvd. FRIGHT FACT! The original working title of this movie was "Green Monkey". Duh. -6/05

	GHOST TOWN /1988/ d: Richard Govener From what I remember, this was a pretty cool movie and like BLUE MONKEY, I haven't seen it since I rented it twentysomething years ago. Wanna guess what this one's about? Real simple-like... ghost cowboys! We've all seen how fucking AWESOME ghost pirates can be thanks to PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN, and honestly I think ghost cowboys are like a million times more awsome. Sure ghost cowboys have popped up before in such dreck as HOUSE 2: THE SECOND STORY, but those dudes were horseshit compared to the badasses in GHOST TOWN. They bled dust when you shot 'em! THAT is SOOO FUCKING COOL! Man, I never say this but I would LOVE to see this on DVD one day. Maybe I can use my AMAZING POWER OF INTERNET JOURNALISM to influence the big shots over at Anchor Bay to shell out a few hunny thou for the rights, then another half a mil to remaster, repackage, reproduce and advertise a Special Edition Director's Cut of GHOST TOWN...which I will then immediatley rent on the first day it's released, and most likely rip apart in a future Vault review because the odds are it won't be as good as I remember it. Hey, I'm just being honest here. FRIGHT FACT! The main badass ghost cowboy was played by an actor named Jimmie F. Skaggs. How fucking awesome is THAT dude's name? -6/05

	CURSE OF THE BLUE LIGHTS /1988/ d: John Henry Johnson Have you ever seen something so stupid, it actually makes you dumber? Me have! It called CURSE OF THE BLUE LIGHTS! FRIGHT FACT! ... and that my friends, is me being polite. -6/05

	C.H.U.D. /1984/ d: Douglas Cheek Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Any self respecting horror fan should know that acronym. It's like our secret password. I'll explain this movie using a simple math equation: bums + toxic waste = CHUDS. They live in the sewers of New York, along with the alligators. If any movie screams for a remake, it's C.H.U.D. There is really something special about the look of this movie... I sort of miss the grimy, sleazy NYC from the 80's I guess. Every time I'm walking in the city and I see steam wafting up to the street through the manhole covers, I will always think of you, CHUD! <sniff> FRIGHT FACT! The CHUDS have the dubious distinction of forever being immoralized in animation. They had a cameo in an episode of The Simpsons where they ended up in New York! At one point Marge exclaims to Homer that, "...there is more to New York than just pimps and CHUDs!" -5/05

	BLOOD DINER /1987/ d: Jackie Kong Here's a nice little nugget of naughty that was sort of an unnofficial follow-up to Herschell Gordon Lewis' "Blood Feast". It's kind of the the no-frills version of Peter Jackson's Patented Brand of Black Comedy. It's about two brothers that run a diner where they serve people. Har har har! Get it? "Serve" people? ...yeahthatwasbadIknow.... um, it's got a talking brain in a jar and a half naked chick with a big mouth in her stomach. Anything else you need to know? Good, now go find it. FRIGHT FACT! Actor Carl Crew went on to write and star in a film about Jeffery Dahmer, a crazy guy who killed and ate people. Weird! -5/05

	DON'T GO IN THE WOODS /1982 /d: James Bryan I've seen many movies of questional entertainment value in my life, but I shit you not, this has to be by far the closest a person can come to recreating the sensation of having splinters of fibreglass lodged deep within their eyeballs without doing any actual ocular damage. It has some thing to do with a group of the most unattractive, random people in Utah being slaughtered by what appears to be a homeless wrestler collecting cans. On top of that, add "cinematography" by what had to be a cross-eyed, drunken community college student with ADD and a Super 8. If that wasn't punishement enough, find a learning-disabled, tone-deaf 8 year old with Torrettes missing 3 fingers on each hand and give him a broken Casio with dying "D" cell batteries to bang on for an hour and a half. The single redeeming factor in this hodgepodge of insanity was the wildly out of place song over the end credits. If you haven't heard moronic folk music played on a broken Casio with dying D cell batteries, go ahead and just punch yourself in the face. It's less painful. FRIGHT FACT! Mike C, you glorious bastard, you win the prize! Enjoy your time as president S.O.B, but be warned... I'll make it my life's goal to usurp your throne and find an even WORSE movie to torture our friends with! -5/05

	PRISON /1988/ d: Renny Harlin This one is interesting, directed by Renny Harlin (DIE HARD 2, and ummmm... DRIVEN. EXORCIST:THE BEGINNING. CLIFFHANGER. oh boy. I should have stopped at DIE HARD 2) and starring the man without whom Matthew McConaghy would not have a career, Viggo Mortensen (yeah, Aragorn from LOTR). It's actually filled with many familiar faces, like that dude Zues who fought Hulk Hogan in the wrestling movie, NO HOLDS BARRED. Anyway it's about a haunted prison and it wasn't too bad. Has anyone else noticed that most prison movies have an evil Warden who gets his commuppance in the last reel? But I guess you really can't make a movie about a nice warden who gets handmade gifts from his prisoners now, can you? Regardless, I would see it again given the opportunity. It had a cool movie poster too. FRIGHT FACT! Kane (JASON) Hodder did the stunts! Woweee! -5/05

	DOLLS /1987/ d: Stuart Gordon Here is another interesting one directed by the Genre's Most Lovable Shmoe, Stuart Gordon. Way before the Puppetmaster movies, good 'ol Stu made his own killer doll flick and I personally like it better. A bunch of jerks and a sweet little girl get stranded in a terrible storm and need to wait it out in an eccentric yet pleasant dollmakers weird house. Jerks break the house rules, dolls get pissed off and come alive, wonderfully bizarre violence ensues. What's really special about this movie is that it's not straight horror per se, but more of a nasty, twisted little fairy tale. Like a kids movie for very scary children. There is a dreamlike quality to the cinematography that I liked, and a cast full of pricks begging for comeuppance. Man, I love comeuppance. It's such a cool word. Not as cool as a woman turned into a life-size china doll that loses her eyeballs, but cool nonetheless! The effects may be a little dated but I feel it adds to the film's charm. I'm sure it's going to be released on DVD soon, so before you go eBay crazy check Best Buy or something. FRIGHT FACT! This was written by Ed Naha, who also wrote C.H.U.D. 2: BUD THE CHUD, and for that he should be ashamed of himself! -5/05

	CHOPPING MALL /1986/ d: Jim Wynorski Teens of the eighties had three loves: shopping malls, killer robots, and clear soft drinks. This movie had two of those three. Add gratuitous nudity and you got youself a party! FRIGHT FACT! The cast boasted genre faves like Barbara Crampton, Mary Woronov and Dick Miller! -4/05

	THE DEAD PIT /1989/ d: Brett Leonard An evil zombie doctor and zombie mental patients crawl outta the Dead Pit to ruin some young womans day! I'm still not entirely sure what this movie is actually about... FRIGHT FACT! Director Brett Leonard has worked with box-office heavyweights Denzel Washington and Russel Crowe, while the female lead, actress Cheryl Lawson, went on to become a successful stuntwoman! -4/05

	DON'T BE AFRAID OF THE DARK /1973/ d: John Newland This was actually a made-for-tv-movie and it scared the shit out of me as a child. Aw hell it still gives me the creeps. A young couple moves into a house haunted by these weird little gnomes that live in a bricked up fireplace. My cousin used to call them "The Furnace People" and I never forgot it. Creepy, weird, fun!! FRIGHT FACT! I once wrote an email to Anchor Bay and asked them to put this out on DVD! -4/05

	976-EVIL /1989/ d: Robert Englund Stephen Geoffreys (aka Evil "Your Sooo Cool Brewster" Ed) from FRIGHT NIGHT? A toll number to Satan? Directed by Freddy Kruger? Guess what... it's still pretty fucking good! Grim, dark stuff. Cool makeup effects too! I'll spare you all the obligatory "...and the phone bill is your SOUL!" joke. FRIGHT FACT! EVIL ED IS NOW A GAY ADULT FILM ACTOR!!! No shit, check IMDB for yourself! -4/05

	BLACK ROSES /1988/ d: John Fasano You remember how back in the Eighties, Heavy Metal was regarded as "the Devil's Music"? Well whaddaya know? The PMRC was right! The best things about this ridulous one line pitch made into a feature length film were the FX, the music soundtrack and the cool 3-D box cover that I begged Sal from Six Star Video to let me peel off from the rental copy. Unless you lived in Franklin Square circa 1988, you wont get that last part. FRIGHT FACT! Where you gonna find a mixed-bag cast that includes legendary drummer Carmine Appice, Julie Adams (from Creature from the Black Lagoon), Vincent "Big Pussy" Pastore, and Lou Ferrigno's wife, Carla? Right here, that's where! -4/05

	TRICK OR TREAT /1989/ d: Charles Martin Smith And speaking of Satanic Rock Stars, say hello to Sammi Curr! He's a badass with tight leather pants who dies somehow and is resurrected by the Devil to spread pestilence and ill will on Halloween! Throw in a cool-looking demon puppet, cameos from Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne, and a "mint" soundtrack from then cutting edge (?) rockers (??) Fastway (???) for a truly unforgettable "horro-ck" movie, no matter how hard you try! FRIGHT FACT! Of all the satanic rock band horror movies of the Eighties, this considered by most the best (????) one. -4/05

	PIECES /1982/ d: Juan Piquer Simón The movie poster tagline stated "It's exactly what you think it is!" and it had a picture of a sewed up girl and a bloody chainsaw. If it's exactly what I think it is, then it must be about a psycho who cuts up girls with a chainsaw and sews the "pieces" together! Wow, I just saved myself money and time! Apparently this bizarrely entertaining in a smoke-a-brick-of-pot-kind-of-way movie holds a sentimental place in the heart's of connisuers of crapola. Must be the ridiculous karate scene. FRIGHT FACT! In Spain, this movie was known as "Mil gritos tiene la noche" (One Thousand Cries Has the Night)! Now THAT is a title with imagination! -4/05

	CURTAINS /1983/ d: Richard Ciupka I remember watching a clip of someone ice skating on a frozen pond decapitating someone with A SICKLE!!! The still-creepy movie poster prevented me ever seeing this one. Next! FRIGHT FACT! Sorry, I got nothin interesting! -4/05

	DEADLY BLESSING /1981/ d: Wes Craven The legendary Wes Craven directed this movie that I think is about a coven of witches/satan worshippers and I never saw it. The commercial scared me because it showed a girl sleeping and a nasty fucking spider dropping down into her open mouth. From then on, I sleep with my mouth CLOSED!!! And that girl went on to become Miss Sharon Stone! I still say I'm better off... FRIGHT FACT! Sharon Stone, Ernest Borgnine, and Michael Berryman in one movie? Oh my! -4/05

	THE PROWLER /1981/ d: Jospeh Zito Hey a slasher movie with gore FX by Tom Savini! There were only thirty-seven other movies you could say that about in the year 1981! FRIGHT FACT! Director Joseph Zito is responsible for some of my favorite 80's movies, most notably FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER, INVASION U.S.A. with Chuck Norris, and the definitive Dolph Lundgren flick RED SCORPION. -4/05

	HUMONGOUS /1982/ d: Paul Lynch The TV spot had Movie Trailer Guy spelling out the letters,"H-U-M-O-N-G-O-U-S!" with his fucking scary Movie Trailer Guy voice. That was it for me, crawled right under the bed I did! I think it was about a giant mogoliod cannibal stalking naughty teens on a deserted island. Never saw it but I got the gist of it from the movie poster! FRIGHT FACT! Well whaddya know? I just checked IMDB and that's EXACTLY what the movie is about! Wow! -4/05

	THE RESURRECTED /1992/ d: Dan O'Bannon A really, really cool H.P. Lovecraft adaptation with Chris Sarandon and that hot blonde from "Herman's Head". This was based on the short story, "The Strange Case Of Charles Dexter Ward" If you like H.P. Lovecraft, hunt this one down. FRIGHT FACT! Yes, THE Dan O'Bannon... director of RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, and writer of a little movie know as ALIEN! -4/05

	METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN /1983/ d: Charles Band This was the OTHER 3-D post-apocolyptic sci-fi space opera that I watched with glee when I was a boy ...the "other" other one was SPACEHUNTER: ADVENTURES IN THE FORBIDDEN ZONE, you nitwits. SPACEHUNTER was a pretty good movie, full of kewl special effects, mutants, vehicles, a nasty lookin bad guy and even the debut of a young Molly Ringwald. I still watch it from time to time. Yeah, I remember in SPACEHUNTER this one part where... oh waitaminute. I was supposed to be talking about METALSTORM, wasn't I? Sorry my bad. I just got all wrapped up in warm and fuzzy SPACEHUNTER reverie... sigh Anyway back to METALSTORM. It sucked! FRIGHT FACT! Now, I own this movie. I've tried to watch it. Many times. I don't know what it's about. I couldn't give you one actual fact from this movie if my life depended on it. As a matter of fact... I am not sure I actually ever saw this in the movie theater. I know it was in 3-D, but maybe I am confusing it with SPACEHUNTER? ...sigh Oh, SPACEHUNTER sigh -4/05

	TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS /1982/ d: Ferdinando Baldi Holy crap yet ANOTHER 3-D movie! And this one is badly dubbed! It's Italian, fantastico! I have this theory of a rhythm or "beats" if you will in rip-off movie titles. For example this is clearly a rip-off of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (which came out in '81). See, that title has five beats: "BLANK" of the "BLANK BLANK". And RAIDERS was a pretty successful movie. So by way of deductive logic, I can only surmise the producers of TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS wanted their movie title to have five beats also. Too bad they had the title before the script, because if you actually watch this craptacular mess, there are only TWO crowns! What happened to the other two is anyone's guess. The very last shot of this movie is so bizarrely ridiculous it makes me froth at the mouth from utter confusion! Now for some nostalgia... I saw this in the Lynbrook movie theater with my brother and father. This was my first 3-D movie and I remember the 3-D glasses vividly. They hurt. All I kept thinking the whole time was. "This isn't like the commercial". I was nine years old and I learned an important lesson that day...Things Are Not Always Like The Commercials! Thank you, TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS! FRIGHT FACT! Believe it or not, the next big thing in moviegoing will be... yep, 3-D again! The next FINAL DESTINATION movie, the new James Cameron movie, and upcoming projects from Robert Rodriguez will all be in 3-D. It seems they perfected the process and the filmmaking community thinks it will cut down on bootlegging and raise attendance. Even George Lucas wants to jump on the bandwagon with a 3-D re-release of his STAR WARS movies! Once again, thank you TREASURE OF THE FOUR CROWNS!!! -4/05

	GARBAGE PAIL KIDS: THE MOVIE /1987/ d: Rodney Amateau This movie sends my friend Hacksaw into fits of rage at the very mention of the title. I don't even know where to begin. The horror... the absolute horror contained inbetween the frames of this unholy living abortion of cinema is truly the stuff of nightmares. Directed by, I'm convinced, Satan himself and filmed on location in New Jersey (coincidence? No, of course not!), GPK:TM contains so many atrocities against man and nature I don't have the space to list them all. To this day, I cannot get my head around this unhappy mistake. Forget about that videotape from THE RING... if you show this movie to your friends, they WILL try to kill you the second it's over! Believe me I know from personal experience! This is why trading card companies should NEVER produce motion pictures based on trading cards! FRIGHT FACT! As a sure sign of the coming apocolypse, MGM has announced they will actually release this hell-turd on DVD July 12. And by golly, I'll be second on line at Best Buy that day... only after Satan, of course! -4/05 *(editor's note: Robg. will be 3rd on line at Best Buy on July 12th)

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