FIVE CHARACTERS IN HORROR WHO RUINED EVERYTHING!!

In most horror films, a pretty good amount of characters suffer an inevitable demise due to the actions, or really bad luck of a single character. You know, the character you find yourself secretly wanting to slap,  thanks to their continual bad decisions, ones that end up ruining the life of those who are “lucky” enough to be associated with them. As much as we feel like reaching into the screen, and punching them…if it were not for those frustrating characters, there would be no lives to put in danger, and in turn, no film. So let’s give a little love to FIVE CHARACTERS IN HORROR WHO RUINED EVERYTHING!!!

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5.) Seth and Richie- FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

Of course there could not be a list about characters ruining everything without including the Gecko brothers. They brothers in crime were pretty much the biggest dicks to ever ruin everything. Sure, Kate Fuller’s entire family getting massacred by sexy vampire strippers was never part of the Gecko’s plans…but they were 100% at fault for putting everyone into that situation in the first place. First, they decide to kidnap, and steal the family’s RV,  ruin their vacation and act creepy while doing so. To top it all off, they force the kidnapped family into going to The Titty Twister, where the majority of the characters ultimately meet their end. Sure they did put up a pretty good fight towards the end against the bloodsuckers, but both Seth and Kate ended losing everyone important to them, all of which could have all been avoided had the brothers just restrained from kidnapping an entire family, and by not agreeing to meet someone at a place that describes anything having  to do with nipple pain. Just no. Seth loses Richie (Richie deserved his end though) and Kate loses her father and brother (She’d most likely need about 200 years of therapy to deal with that) and when it all comes to an end, and the terror is over…Seth pretty much has a “sucks for you, goodbye” attitude about it…even though the whole fiasco was his fault. Dick move alert!

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4.) Shawn- HATCHET

Typically a person in a horror film is responsible for their own death, and like Seth Gecko,  a few others’ deaths as well. Not Shawn. He takes it a step further by sending himself and a boat full of tourists to violent, gnarly ass deaths. I mean sure, he was just trying to make some extra money and didn’t have a clue that the infamous Victor Crowley was haunting the shit out of the bayou, but still. Yes, this is a classic “wrong place, wrong time” situation, but come on Shawn, there were reasons why no one else took their tour boats to that area…and you found the biggest reason! Not only did he fake a horrendous Louisiana accent to try to convince the tourists that he was a local, and said that knew where the hell he was going, but he indeed had no clue on what he was even doing, or even how to maneuver a boat without hitting a rock and sinking. With his lack of common sense and lack of direction, he totally ruined everyone’s life. He would have been a hero if he would have just endangered Shapiro…but not Ben and Marcus. If only they would have avoided the haunted ghost tour, and just enjoyed the plethora of breasts and alcohol that Mardi gras had to offer, they would have been perfectly fine.

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3.) Jerry and Bill- HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES

 

If there is one thing we can rely on in a good horror film that involves young couples, it’s that there will be a guy (or two) who continually disregard their girlfriends. In HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, Jerry and Bill are kind of a packaged deal when it comes to dooming everyone. Of course, if given the chance to check out an odd place like Captain Spaulding’s stop, most people would love to check it out, and I don’t even want to be friends with anyone who would turn down a murder ride, so of course we can’t blame them for that. However, when they decided to take it a step further, and go off of their route to check out a tree where supposedly someone who earned the nickname “Dr. Satan”  died years ago, that’s just a little too much. Making things worse, the two make their second mistake, by picking up a gorgeous hitchhiker. It is damn near impossible to think of a scenario in a horror film, where picking up a hitchhiker is a great idea, so it is safe to say, that after they made the decision to make an alternate stop, they sealed their fate (and the fate of their ladies), by ensuring that they would become victims of the Firefly family. Don’t get me wrong, fried chicken and a murder ride sound fantastic, but throw in heading to the middle of nowhere, and picking up someone wearing a fur coat and cowboy hat? No thanks.

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2.) Louis-PET SEMETARY

Oh yes. This is a fine example of how resurrecting the dead, under any situation is indeed a terrible idea. We get it, if we could, we would probably bring back beloved pets, or worst case scenario, family members..but when the scariest looking ghost of all time comes back and harasses you, and Herman Munster in overalls tells you it’s a bad idea, take that like a bad yelp review for burial grounds, and stay the hell away. While watching this one, you are really torn apart between feeling sad and annoyed at Louis when he makes the bad decision of burying his child (it really is a heartbreaking scene). Of course, that decision backfires and he comes back as a little, adorable bundle from hell, killing two people including his own mother. It only adds to the stupid decision factor when Louis has no choice but to kill his own zombie child, which he could have avoided by simply not trying to bring him back in the first place, but what does he do then? He decides that his wife, who was killed due to his original bad decision of bringing Gage back, should also be resurrected. Obviously that doesn’t end too well for him…Seriously Louis, what part of “Sometimes…dead is better” did you not understand?

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1.) Frank-RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD

I was actually going to try and avoid writing about RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD for once, but when you really think about it, this is kind of the ultimate character ruining everyone’s life kind of film. It’s a classic case of one guy causing a zombie apocalypse. Of course, it wasn’t intentional, but a combination of being a dumb-ass and trying to show off /be cool causes the violent end for many people. A regular person with logical thinking would not want to be anywhere within a million miles of any container holding a zombie in it, but not Frank! He is perfectly fine with working in an environment where that is a thing. For some reason, in a very elaborate and enthusiastic tale, he tells Freddy all about the things in the basement, then proceeds to show it to him. Frank makes the fatal mistake of overestimating the military’s craftsmanship and somehow activates the poisonous zombie gas out into the open, ultimately turning himself and Freddy into zombies. Oh, but that’s just the beginning of Frank’s epic decision….thanks to the mistake there is now evidence of Frank’s mistake, a cadaver who is alive…again. Of course, the only smart route to go when it comes to disposing of an undead body, it to chop it up into a bunch of pieces, and cremate it. It would have been the perfect crime, except for some gnarly divine intervention (or acid rain. I think I’ll go with acid rain) mixed with the smoke of the burning zombie flesh, falls into the earth, thus bringing back a ton of flesh-eating zombies. Impossible to kill and somehow VERY hilarious, the zombies tear shit up and do their best to eat everyone in sight. It’s bad enough that they are chomping on the whole area, but add the town getting blown up, only to have more acid rain and corpse reanimation…and you have a global epidemic in the making. That’s right. One person (and a few other factors, of course) caused all of this damage. So next time someone wants to show you a dead person in a bucket…just say no.

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One Response to “FIVE CHARACTERS IN HORROR WHO RUINED EVERYTHING!!”
  1. Phil Fasso says:

    Rabid weasels.

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