Natty’s Favorite Holiday-Themed Horror Films That AREN’T Named Halloween!
Admit it, you love holidays. Sure, all of the ‘hip’ people may say that they only love Halloween, but chances are they may also be a sucker for Valentine’s Day, Easter, or maybe something completely random such as Arbor Day (is ANYONE an Arbor Day fanatic?). Celebrating holidays can be a hell of a lot of fun…unless you’re in a horror film.I guess if you really think about it, celebrating holidays (or pretty much doing anything fun) in horror films may be decisions that could very well lead to you getting axed. In celebration of Father’s Day, and every other upcoming holiday this year, I thought it would be fun to list some of my favorite holiday films, ones that AREN’T Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN (that would be too easy and would please Jerry, something I despise doing). Here are five examples of why you should hide and cry, instead of going all out and having a good time before getting slashed on those special days of the year.
5. SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984)
Unless you unfortunately work in retail, you probably love Christmas. Full of lights, family, friends, presents, cookies, ham, tamales, and getting really drunk in front of your Grandma…what could possibly go wrong? A LOT, thanks to SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT. Because of that film, you probably have a weird fear of dudes who dress up like Santa…who aren’t Billy Bob Thornton. There are quite a few holiday lessons to learn in this slasher classic. One would definitely be to NOT stop to help anyone on the side of the road who is dressed like Old Saint Nick himself. The next lesson would be to not allow anyone with a creepy Santa complex to dress up like Santa, as he might do something crazy like…I don’t know, hang someone with a string of Christmas lights? Of course, it’s a festive way to die, but I’d like to think that getting sliced to bits with a double-headed axe just doesn’t feel like Christmas, ya know? To avoid any creepy, psycho-murderer induced death, maybe the safest way would be to try to celebrate this special season by not being naughty.
- FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Ok. Ok. So I know the actual Friday the 13th isn’t as celebrated as a holiday like Christmas, Or Easter…but this day holds a special place in the hearts of horror fans all over the world. It is also the day where some tattoo artists will place random art on you for $13. *Editor’s note: I can back that last statement up: It has also inspired one of the most famous horror movie franchises ever. In the film FRIDAY THE 13TH, we learn that there definitely is such a thing as being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, on the wrong day,..especially if that day is notorious for being a day of bad luck. The holiday doesn’t end too well for a group of camp counselors with feathered hair, sexy pants and some crazy hormones. Mrs. Voorhees, pissed off at these kids that had absolutely nothing to do with her child’s death, causing mass confusion at Camp Crystal Lake for the unfortunate counselors who suffer gruesome fates, including one getting a freakin arrow through his throat, and another one awkwardly wrestling with her. The film teaches us the importance of not having any fun whatsoever, and to stay indoors on this cursed day,..well, unless someone is going to give you a super cool, pre-designed tattoo with a “13” in it. Then yes, leave the house for that.
3. MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D (2009)
At some point in our lives, we all end up having a strong hatred for Valentine’s Day, unless you have someone to give you some sweet, sweet lovin on V-day night, or if you prefer something with less sweat, a dinner and an oversized, pointless stuffed animal. Even people in lengthy relationships can still develop a hatred for this day (those damned crowds taking up the grocery lines with their last minute V-day cards!). If that’s not bad enough, throw in a murdering, creepy miner into the mix and no gigantic box of candy can make up for that shit. One of the worst feelings a person can suffer from is a breakup, or feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day, both feeling similar to getting your heart cut out. Well, in MY BLOODY VALENTINE, that literally happens. If your celebration on this day involves partying near a mine, then most likely, you’re going to die. If you survive, then you might die years later, probably naked, and right after you banged a trucker. Either way, it can be pretty bad.
2. The ‘Father’s Day‘ segment from CREEPSHOW (1982)
Damn it Bedelia, all your Dad wanted was a cake. Instead, she bashed his head in with a marble ashtray. Sure, he sucked at being a Dad, pulling a Dick Cheney on her husband, so that could have driven her to madness. No matter the motive, she killed her Father on Father’s day. Her morbid family somehow sees it fit to celebrate the day by drinking excessively, dancing horribly, and of course talking about crazy Bedelia.
As you would expect to happen in the CREEPSHOW universe, Bedelia’s beloved Father comes back from the dead, to avenge his own death by strangling her, and killing the shit out of a few family members. Soon after, he feels it is necessary to make the cake that he never had the chance to eat, but using somebody’s head. He even shows his cake off to the remaining family members he decided not to brutally murder. What lesson can we learn from this? Well, don’t murder your Father, especially if he could possibly come back as zombie, and if you MUST celebrate Father’s day…just leave a card and stay as far away from the graveyard and mansion as possible.
1. TRICK R’ TREAT (2007)
Alright, so we know what happens when people celebrate holidays in horror films, but now we get to explore what happens if we DON’T celebrate properly. Michael Doughtery’s TRICK R’ TREAT is all about that. You only survive if you follow the holiday’s traditions and rules. Don’t blow out that Jack O’ Lantern on Halloween, wear a costume, check your candy, don’t let some creepy dude dressed like a vampire bite you, don’t try to kill a bunch of kids by driving them off a cliff, don’t go into the woods to party with hot chicks, and DON’T try to play pranks on the weird kid. SO MANY RULES TO FOLLOW! You have to pretty much be the freakin King or Queen of Halloween to survive this one, which means following traditions, and not doing anything stupid whatsoever. Need an example? Well, if you choose taking down decorations over getting laid (who does that?!), you may find yourself super dead with a lollipop in your mouth, so please, don’t do that. No one really wants Sam to come and regulate. Sure, he is pretty adorable, but he’s also kind of a major dick, and will kill the hell out of you for messing up his Halloween.
What are some of your favorite holiday-themed horror films?