Natty’s Five Horror Families From Hell!

We can choose who we become friends with, who we spend our lives with, and depending on how much money we spend, who will give us a lap dance at our local strip club. The only people in our lives who we don’t get to choose, of course, are bound to us by flesh and blood. In less intense sounding words, our relatives. Most of us have dysfunctional families, and most of us are just related to weird ass people. Lucky for us though, there are films that have families that put our dysfunction to shame. Are they here to entertain us?, Or are they here to make us feel better about the people who gave us life and raised us? Whatever the reason might be, if you’re like me, then you love to see crazy ass families, so alas, here are FIVE HORROR FAMILIES FROM HELL!!!!!

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I will admit, I am not a huge musical fanatic. I appreciate a great one here or there, but upon seeing it, Darren Lynn Bousman’s REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA instantly became a favorite of mine. Why? Because of the damn Largo family. I’m obsessed with the fact that Ogre from Skinny Puppy plays Pavi Largo, who is probably the creepiest family member of them all. Also great, is Bill Moseley as Luigi Largo, reminding me of a rich, clean cut, fancy version of Otis Firefly.

The characters in this film were so great, that I even found Paris Hilton to be less annoying than usual as Amber Sweet. I kind of felt bad about myself after seeing it and had to stop to ask myself “Did I just appreciate something that Paris Hilton did?” With Luigi killing people, Pavi wearing other people’s faces, and Amber…well….singing, the siblings prove themselves to be quite the horrible people. They are so terrible, that when their father, who is also pretty shitty, informs them that he will by dying soon, all they can think about is who will take over and have daddy’s fortune. If money is the root of all evil, then these spoiled brats must be pure evil.

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Ah yes. I discovered John Hough’s AMERICAN GOTHIC as a child. The cover looked really cool, so I begged my Grandpa to rent it for me. He did (seriously, who let him babysit me?), and as a young child, the phrase “What the fuck am I watching?” popped into my head for the very first time. The story is familiar, and a very typical way to start a horror film. After a tragic event, some friends decide to take a trip (horror by numbers here). After a plane malfunction, they are forced to land on an island, which happens to be the place where a crazed, homicidal family lives, comprised by Ma, Pa, Fanny, Woody, and Teddy. If names like Fanny, Woody, and Teddy weren’t enough to make you want to swim back to civilization, perhaps the crazy old-school rules Ma and Pa try to enforce on the group might make you want to kill yourself before they can get to you. I really enjoy this film because 1) effin Yvonne DeCarlo is in it. 2) It is one of the few films I have seen where the crazy family ends up getting what they deserve, and 3.) The ridiculously creepy scene between Cynthia, Fanny, and a dead, mummified infant. Yeah, this film goes there. It’s definitely one to watch out for, if you haven’t seen it, or if you just want to feel better about your family.

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Speaking of families that just get off terrorizing lost groups of friends, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE‘s Sawyer family never disappoints when it comes to being one freaky ass family. Depending on which film you are watching, you will find yourself meeting some very interesting characters. Let’s see…just in the first two films, we have Drayton, Nubbins, Grandpa Sawyer, and of course Leather face, and of course, my personal favorite: Chop Top. If I could party with any member of the Sawyer family, it would definitely be that guy. If you’re watching LEATHERFACE: THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE III, there’s Mama Sawyer, Edward “Tex” Sawyer, Alfredo, and Tinker…I know, right? How many of these damn Sawyers are there? With all of their cannibalistic and murdering instincts, it’s pretty safe to say that the Sawyer family is probably a lot worse than most of the people we have to deal with at our family reunions..well, maybe not Jerry’s..that dude has weird family members.

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As a child, Wes Craven’s THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS was a personal favorite of mine. As an adult, it makes me wonder if this is the type of stuff that goes on in the Westboro Baptist Church. The characters of Mommy and Daddy are pretty terrible parents (and people in general). Due to their strict rules, any child that disobeys them, gets placed under the stairs (oh, so that’s why it’s called THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS…). Poor little Alice, who’s not only been abused her whole life, is stuck in a house with the whack job parents, who then also turn out to be brother and sister. *barf* Oh, and if that isn’t enough to gross you out, I dare you to try to get the image of Daddy dressed up like the gimp from PULP FICTION out of your mind. No. You will be scarred for life. As a teenage girl, my parents took great pride in embarrassing me whenever my dates would pick me up for to go to the movies, but I guess it could have been worse, my parents could have been siblings, and my Dad could have answered the door in a full, leather suit.

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The Firefly family is hands down, my favorite horror family. Although their characters change slightly from HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES to THE DEVIL’S REJECTS, I thoroughly enjoy them in both films. First off, we have Baby, who is way too hot to pass as a psychotic killer, but somehow it works. Otis Driftwood, who’s most definitely the craziest of them all, apparently only gets lucky with dead chicks. There’s Tiny, who really isn’t very tiny at all; Rufus, who is also gigantic (and played by Michael Myers himself, Tyler Mane). It would be a crime of course to forget the matriarch of the family, the evil as all hell and equally creepy Mother Firefly. Last but not least, we have Captain Spaulding. In HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES, Spaulding appears to just be a good friend of the family, but in THE DEVILS REJECTS, he’s a  much bigger part, being Baby’s father.

The family is pretty horrible in both films, but in THE DEVILS REJECTS, you almost feel the need to cheer for, and feel sorry for them. It’s not everyday that such horrible people resonate with me, but it’s almost impossible for me to keep my eyes dry during the ending of REJECTS. Maybe there’s something wrong with ME (?!), but in that second film, they turned into a family from hell that I wouldn’t mind spending a few Thanksgiving dinners with,…as long as I got to keep my own face, and I didn’t have to sleep in a room full of naked corpses.

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One Response to “Natty’s Five Horror Families From Hell!”
  1. Phil Fasso says:

    How many Texans named Alfredo have you met?

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