collage

THE 13 GREATEST HORROR MOVIE INSULTS!!

The cinematic elites often criticize horror films for lacking a strong grasp of storytelling and containing cheap dialogue.  While the die-hard horror fans know this to be pure poppycock, a lot of horror films have incredible lines that go unnoticed.  We’re all aware of the iconic quotes and one-liners of our genre, but horror films actually possess a variety of incredible insults.  The next time you want to call someone a “dick” or “bitch” or “douchebag,” kindly remind yourself that horror films are a cornucopia of comebacks. (Sorry, not sorry for all of the alliteration in that introduction.)

long collage

13)You see, I take these glasses off, she looks like a regular person, doesn’t she? Put ’em back on…formaldehyde-face!” from THEY LIVE.
John Carpenter is a damned good writer, and just about all of his films contain incredible one-liners and monologues.  Arguably, it is THEY LIVE that remains his most quotable.  While everyone should be is familiar with the iconic “kick ass & chew bubblegum” moment, it’s his barrage of insults in the convenient store that bring the most giggles. I must admit, dissecting frogs in junior high disappointed me when the formaldehyde didn’t turn them into THEY LIVE style froggies.

12) “Did you just call me a fuck-ass? Well, you can go suck a fuck!” from DONNIE DARKO
Sibling rivalry at its finest, both of the Gyllenhaal kids seem to be pulling out some real life pestering with the dinner table argument between the two of them.  The entire scene is hilarity at its finest only to be topped off with Daviegh Chase (oh, you know, Samara from THE RING) end the conversation with “What’s a fuck-ass?” Ah, and they say horror movies don’t deserve Oscars.

11)You are a freak and a cannibal and you’ve come to the wrong town” from NIGHTBREED
We all know that cops in horror movies are notoriously idiotic, but Captain Eigerman actually has some sadistic fight in him. In a world where monsters are very much real, Captain Eigerman performs the ballsy move of trash-talking a monster…to its face. The level of indignation gives way to total abuse of power. The beating Boone receives is a punishment he deserves but the manner it is inflicted instantly demands pity and compassion. It ultimately adds to the exploration of the duality between man and monster. In this scenarios, who’s the real animal?

10)How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!” from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE
It doesn’t take a crash course in Nadsat to know when a man is insulting you in his native tongue, and Malcolm McDowell’s portrayal of Alex in A CLOCKWORK ORANGE packs one hell of a punch. I’ve never head someone say “you don’t have any balls” quite as eloquently before, and I doubt we’ll hear one ever again. There’s just something lovely about hearing insults that don’t include four letter words. I wish more people executed the practice.

09)You cock-juggling thundercunt!” from BLADE: TRINITY
I’m a dedicated endorser of taking the “c-word” and turning it into an insult so vile, it becomes humorous.  Ryan Reynolds might have the undisputed greatest abs in horror movie history, but the delivery of his incredible insult in BLADE TRINITY deserves far more recognition than his washboard stomach.  Despite the film being a less-than-stellar installment in the franchise, it produced an insult that has its own page on Urban Dictionary.

08)It’s not what you think? Man, you remind me of the guy with the skull and bones full body tattoo caught buck naked in a crackhouse with his shaved pussy, skinhead teenage girlfriend. He’s got blow up his nose, needles sticking out of his arms, a stack of koozies next to his KKK propaganda and child pornography. The doors are smashed down and he’s caught and he tells the swat team “Hey, it’s not what you think.” from MONSTER MAN.
If you’ve actually seen this movie, I’m immediately handing over 25 points to the Hogwarts house of your choice.  I came across this direct-to-DVD delight in high school and it has become one of my greatest guilty pleasures.  A definite “so-bad, it’s good” monster flick with dialogue that feels like the writer has been sitting on phrases for years and needed an excuse to use them.  My love for this film is endless, and this insult has become part of my daily vernacular.

07)Hey, Vasquez. Have you ever been mistaken for a man?” “No, have you?” from ALIENS
ALL HAIL PRIVATE FIRST CLASS JENETTE VASQUEZ.  When it comes to female characters in genre films, my love for Ellen Ripley is ALMOST out shined by my love for Private Vasquez.  Strong, beautiful, and with a tongue sharper than a Harvard bound student’s SAT pencil, Vasquez takes an insult thrown at her and manages to throw it right back down Private Hudson’s throat. Yeah, she stood up to Bill Paxton. Instant badass.

06)You don’t know jack-shit! Butt-wipe! Needle-dick! Cock-bite! Jack-off! Limp-wrist! Corn-hole! Banana-breath! Shit-bird! Bird-turd! Turd-face! Kiss-ass! Brown-nose! Macho wimp! Limp dick! Fart-face! Tire merchant! What’s the matter? Gonna cry? Come on, Crybaby Davie! Cry! Cry! Cry! Shit-face! Rat-turd! Ass-licking son of a bitch!” from FLATLINERS
In case you didn’t know, I’m secretly a twelve year old boy and think that this slew of insults is one of the funniest moments in horror history. My personal favorite is following “Bird-turd” with “Turd-face.”  If horror movies had an equivalent to the insult scene in HOOK, my money would be on this one from Young Winnie.

05)Up yours with a twirling lawnmower!” from A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
Rod, always known for being the wordsmith of a generation truly outdoes himself when his girlfriend Tina insults him with, “There’s four letters in my name, Rod. How can there be enough room on your joint for four letters?” Playful (but harshly honest) banter between lovers always adds up for entertaining moments.  While I give Rod an “A” for effort, it’s a knee-jerk comeback to a ridiculously clever jab made by Tina.

04)It was nothing like that, penis breath!” from E.T. THE EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL
Dee Wallace is the closest thing to maternal perfection in the world of cinema, and watching her try not to burst out laughing when Elliot drops this amazing bomb is one of my top 10 movie moments of all time. “Penis breath” is my favorite insulting description but combining it with the adorable voice of little Henry Thomas makes for a perfect insult. How can you not feel totally schooled when an eleven year old calls you “penis breath?!”

03)Honey, you got reeeeeeeal ugly.” from ARMY OF DARKNESS
Ashley J. Williams may be the king of horror one-liners second only to MAYBE Freddy Krueger, but his quick derision to Embeth Davidtz’ character about her appearance also lands him in the realm of insult royalty.  Was it probably the wisest thing for Ash to call his deadite possessed love interest “ugly?” I’m gonna wager on “no,” but he had the cojones to smack talk even when overpowered by deadite scum.  Typical Ash.

02)Boy, the next word that comes out of your mouth better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit. Cause it’s definitely getting chiselled on your tombstone.” from THE DEVIL’S REJECTS
Hate on Rob Zombie all you want, the man can write a damn solid script when he wants to. The Firefly family are some of my favorite new horror characters and Otis Firefly brings some real talk in just about every moment of screen time.  It’s one thing to be threatened by a villain, it’s another thing to be threatened by a villain who is obviously intellectually brilliant.

01)Your mother sucks cock in Hell, Karras” from THE EXORCIST
Was there really another option? A demon possessed child just threw a “Yo Mama” joke at a priest about his mom being a slut in the afterlife. You really can’t top that.