SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #8 – January 2009 Edition
First of all welcome everyone to the year 2009, isn’t it a lovely year already? I mean how can it not be with news of Rob Zombies Halloween 2 being released even sooner…….moving on. Another year, another slab of schlock, this time it’s an all nature issue. Right off the bat we have the awesomely uneventful KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra, a movie that features a lot of both creatures in it just…not at the same time. Then there’s the abominable Yeti, a surprisingly entertaining Sci-fi bowl movement feature a man coated in fur and latex (and if that doesn’t get you off I don’t know what will!). Wrapping it all up is a particular favourite of mine, Devil Fish, well that’s the title I know it as, keeping in line with the movies of its time it actually has several titles of which it goes by, another of which you’ll find below. On a side note, doesn’t the poster for Devil Fish stand out amongst the other two, it’s soooo much more interesting that’s for sure, what happened to the days when posters rocked? Anyway, I wanted to bring that up because – without giving anything away – there’ll be plenty of vintage monster movie posters coming soon on Schlock Value.
Enjoy – Danny
KOMODO vs. COBRA
…was spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Jim Wynorski
Monster movies get me harder than a 13 year old boy at a Victorias Secret Fashion Show, and I want it to go on record that nothing gets me harder then when I see a giant VS. between too monsters names. Track records aren’t great on these movies though, most turn out stinking worse than the worse piece of dog crap you’ve ever got stuck on the bottom of your shoe, Komodo vs. Cobra is no exception to this, but then who in the right mind ever expected it to be?
KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra is about a bunch of greenies who along with ‘I want to be an action hero’ Michael Pare stumble upon a top secret military island in the middle of somewhere where an ever topper and especially more secreter experiment is being conducted, it goes by the clever name of ‘Project Carnivore’ and just so happens to involve gigantisizing creature, two in particular, can you guess which ones? The rest of the film is spent following our little group of as they trek across the island and attempt to get to a helicopter so they can get off the island. That’s pretty much it, they stumble across the bigasized reptiles on occasion and there’s an out of place encounter with a bunch of leeches but all that is just a way to tie together the extended scenes of exposition and environmentalist musings.
Some years back when I was but a wee tyke getting into movies of the monster variety I happened upon an incredibly stupid really badly made monster flick featuring scientifically bred GCI lizards attacking peeps on an island, it was simply called Komodo – a movie which is likely to show up in a future Schlock the next time I visit the video store – and damn it if KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra isn’t just a remake of Komodo with a giant Cobra thrown in for flavour, resulting in a bitter tasting little treat I wouldn’t feed to a starving hobo. Well maybe I would just so I could say that this foul tasting tripe was so bad not even a hobo could swallow it.
For a movie called Komodo vs. Cobra there is very little versing to speak of, in fact there is none right up until the final couple of minutes and even then it only lasts a fleeting couple of seconds, the two giant ass poorly made CGI reptiles finally come together and proceed to stare at each other while epic music for an epic less scene plays over what seems like a five minute stare down, then they tussle for a split second and BOOM they get fucked up by bombs. Have you ever watched a movie with guns and turned to your buddy and asked “have they reloaded yet?”, you will be asking the same question so many times that by the final scene where Michael Pare fires a gazillion bullets from a handgun you’ll be left shaking your head and cursing the films existence, probably even considering the burning of the DVD just to save whatever poor soul might have rented it after you under the same assumption that it’d be a stupidly good time. KvC: Komodo vs. Cobra is a half assed tug job culminating in an un-climactic orgasm from a ten buck hooker behind the dumpster on the corner of 42nd street.
….was spawned in the year of 2008 and blameable on Paul Ziller
Oh the sweet taste of sci-fi originality, Paul Ziller knows how to make conspiracy theory monster movies, by that I mean creature like the Loch Ness Monster, or the Yowie, or Chupacabras, or in this case The Abominable Snowman, or Big Foot, Yeti, whatever name it goes by nowadays. How many abominable snowman movies are there anyway? Trust the sci-fi channel to take the concept, infusing its with their special blend of craptastic juices and spawning a surprisingly entertaining movie.
A football team en route to the land of sushi and the mother of all lizards goes down in the Himalayas, the survivors are forced to brave the torturous elements, setting up camp using the wreck for cover internal conflict begins to flare. There’s little actual food left but hey lookie over here, Ol’ Bobbies still as meaty in death as he was in life, human. Human, the other white meat, well they do say we taste like pork! Amidst all the back and forth arguing and squabbling over whether they’re really that hungry someone or something has already decided they don’t mind some human cutlets. Before anyone in the group can go all Hannibal the Cannibal Quarterback, the Yeti responsible for the films title starts to steal the corpses during the night. They also manage to work in a romantic angle, because where would a movie about football players being terrorized by a seven foot abominable snowman be without one of those? The customary sub-plot does serve the purpose of spurring out hunky heroes into hunting down Mr. Yeti after he takes the female half of the relationship for his own, presumably to make sweet Yeti love to her.
As much as I don’t mind this sci-fi attempt at making a monster movie out of a true story, there was one very obvious problem, too much time was spent on the characters and their trying to stay alive, which is all good and well, it wasn’t poorly executed but this movie is called Yeti, let’s see more Yeti, well actually simply having more Yeti action would suffice. We don’t need to see the actual thing because let’s face it it wasn’t a very convincing Yeti costume, but for the audience who nowadays is likely to take one look at a practical effects filled horror flick and deem it not modern enough due to it’s lack of GCI, fear not you sad excuse for a movie goer because the film features some incredibly painful digital work that looks like they stopped halfway in the making of and said: “fuck it, it’s good enough.” But isn’t that why we love our friends The Sci-fi Channel? I sure do! Could you imagine a world without such cinematic wonders as Pterodactyl and Bats: Human Harvest?…..just imagine. But at least there is a badass scene where the Yeti rips of one of the characters limbs and beats him to death with it!
SHARK: RED ON THE OCEAN (a.k.a DEVIL FISH)
…was spawned in the year of 1984 and blameable on Lamberto Bava
Lamerto Bava proves he didn’t quite inherit his fathers filmmaking gene in this film about a genetically created Shark-Octopus (Octark or Sharktopus, whatever floats your boat) hybrid which sounds like a voice filled with hate (as described by one of the characters), and goes buck wild on a sexually active beach community making it then up to the token bad shark movie characters; brooding gung-ho marine biologist, bathing suit clad eye candy dolphin trainer, and the dedicated local sheriff, but our James Murphy hero comes in the form of Peter, an cable repair guy who spawns the films compulsory romantic subplot with wet suit clad eye candy dolphin trailer (entirely necessary). You can’t tell me that the idea of a half shark half octopus villain doesn’t get you all weak between the loins.
The film opens with the compulsory ‘something lurking beneath the water’ scene, complete with a couple in a boat (though they’re far from making out), the couples boat is tentacles to death by the evil sea creature. We’re then introduced to the films eye candy Stella, who doubles as the films heroine and later triples as the co-romantacist (is that even a word? If not it should be), her pleasant demeanour and serene smile indicates she’s a good human being and we should indentify with her. Just once I want to see a movie where the mainies are pricks and bitches.
The film is clearly lacking in the editing department, it’s like the filmmakers can’t decide what they want on screen, one second we’re here, cut to there, and then to there, and back to that place, then to the other place, oh don’t forget over here and end on there, all in the space of a couple of minutes we get to see six or seven fucking things happening at once, and none of them matter! Sadly this happens again, and again, and again, and again x10. Speaking of editing decisions that make no sense, what movie features its title twice in the opening credit sequence? Duh, this one! Within the same minute we are told the films title twice just in case you missed it the first time.
We get two sexless sex scenes, thanks can be sent to a scientist and his mistress who’re having a sordid love affair which plays as another of the films many unnecessary subplots, and also Peters horny assistant makes her move by instigating a game of tonsil hocky with him.
Stuff happens and more characters are introduced, each with at least two of their own subplots (this film could have been complex if it hadn’t had been so freaking dumb), people go out looking for the creature, failing to find it they try to capture the sound it makes (huh!?) and fail to do that too, a person or two dies, Peter and Stella’s romantic subplot culminates in yet another sexless sex scene on a beach. Towards the end it’s revealed that the sharktopus, which is apparently 40 feet long with a 6 foot wide mouth, is only a baby and is yet to have its growth spurt (the writers attempt for a twist? Or perhaps a gasp moment! Either way it did neither) Oh and if you cut off a piece of this creature that piece then grows into a creature itself! The film FINALLY culminates with the sharktopus getting torched….yes they burn it to death….as in with fire….on a fish….in the water….with fire….and it works….the end.
In short…THIS MOVIE FUCKING ROCKS!! – Danny Price