SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #7 – December to Disremember

Wow, it’s been a whole year since Schlock Value slid it’s greasy ass into Icons of Fright. Schlock started as a Friday night ritual, back then it had no name, I would simply take a trip to the local video store and look for the dumbest monster movies I could find, and when there were no more monster movies to be found I’d look for the dumbest movie in the entire store. I had no incentive to mentally torture myself with these…things back then, but I’ll be damned if it wasn’t fun to do so. I guess that makes me a cinematic-masochist!

Well enough reminiscing, let’s move on to the matter at hand, Decembers serving of schlocktastic madness come with variety, a mixed bag of both so bad it’s good, not so bad and still good, and genuinely bad. You have a choice of aliens, slashers and even monsters from the briny deep…well it’s more like the fresh water wade-able. Enjoy it my friends, and I’ll see you all next year. – danny

AKA ALIEN INVASION ARIZONA spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Dustin Rikert

Now let us get one thing straight, The Salena Incident (otherwise known as Alien Invasion Arizona) is not a good movie, it’s not even a fun movie, it sure as hell isn’t interesting, smart, inventive or pleasing to the eye, it features nothing we haven’t seen done before, and soooo much better for that matter.

Would you believe it but this movie takes place in Arizona (that explains the alternate title then) so an alien spacecraft crash lands in a small mining town and into the mines the extraterrestrial survives go scurrying quickly followed by some easily dispatched soldiers. During this time, a prison bus is transporting a small group of naughty boys to their deathbeds, this doesn’t settle well with one of the prisoners who sets into motion a daring escape plan involving a pair of well endowed bleach blonde bimbos. Guards and nurse are taken hostage Yarda, yarda, yarda, the rag tag bunch of stereotypes wind up at the town nobody seems to live in, a town which is conveniently located above the alien filled mines beneath, there’s a romantic subplot and customary government involvement. Un-interesting chaos ensues.

The Salena Incident, Alien Invasion Arizona, whatever you want to call it, is tasteless cheese, which is the worse kind. It’s riddled with missed opportunities, we hardly ever get to see the damned things and when we do they aren’t anything special to look at, they’re rather fake looking in a laugh coz it looks stupid kind of way. It’s really a shame because this could have been some entertaining shit, good for a Friday night, sadly it plays more as a midday TV-movie.

THE GINGERDEAD MAN spawned in the year of 2005 and blameable on Charles Band

I’ve seen a killer tongue, I’ve seen a killer condom, hell I’ve even seen killer vegetables, and now I can say that I’ve seen a killer bakers treat tastily dusted in pure cheesy delight.

A crazed murderer by the name of Findlemeyer (doesn’t that name just make you wanna smile?) takes that long walk to the electric chair after the dual murders of our heroines (Sarah Leigh) brother and father, not to mention trying to killer her during the armed robbery. Now as little more then a pile of ash, how can Findlemeyer (hee hee) commit such atrocious acts of violence? I’ll tell you how, his witch of a mother mixes his dear sons ashes into a some gingerbread dough, sneaking in the extra spicy dough to Sarah’s family bakery. Sarah unwittingly brings the killer back to life when she makes forms the dough into the shape of our villainous villain voiced by none other then Gary Busey (did you see that one coming?).

This movie just doesn’t seem able to do wrong, everything about it oozes B-movie cheese. The killer gingerbread man is up there with the best horror villains, he’s like chucky only with less plastic. The way Busey plays the character is like a foul mouthed Freddy Krueger whose been in one too many padded rooms. But it’s not all about Buseys gingerman (mostly but not all), nearly every character is the film is at least partially bat shit crazy, from the unbelievably hateable, so-bitchy-I-want-to-smash-her-face-in, daughter of the hick bakery store owning rival across the street to Sarah’s alcoholic mother whose lack of sanity rivals that of the walking, talking, profanity spewing baked good that’s doing all the terrorising.

In short, The Gingerdead Man is a winner in every sense of the word, rent or buy it, grab an intoxicating beverage, get together some friends and laugh your fucking asses off.

LOCK NESS TERROR spawned in the year of 2008 and blameable on Paul Ziller

The lochness monster, the abominable snowman, big foot, yowies, these are all creatures whose very existence remain mysteries. Many a movie has been made about them, many a movie made about them have sucked, this is not one of them. This is a good/bad movie, this is a fun movie, this is an enjoyably dopy, unapologetically cheesy Friday nights worth of entertainment. God bless it.

When a bunch of scientists discover a large egg at the bottom of the loch they don’t consider it to be even marginally stupid to bring it to the surface and claim it for their own. Not until the pissed off mother follows them up and proceeds to lay down an aquatic lizard tasting smack down on the atom splitting busybodies. A young James Murphy is witness to his fathers death at the hands (or flippers if you’d prefer) of little nessie, only to grow up to be a scar face, bad tempered, ex-Charmed star hell-bent on revenge that’d make Quint from Jaws look little (Quint never used a ray gun against Bruce did he?). He’s so incredibly wannabe badass that my friends and I have coined the phrase “Pulling a James Murphy!” in honour to Brian Krause’s portrayal of the man.

Getting back on track, a dinosaur esque creature of the swimming variety is sighted in the Loch some years later, but fear not for James Murphy is on the case! He comes in with guns. Lots of guns. Lots of big guns, with rays and stuff on them. A bunch of expendable teens get involved, there’s a black guy who dies, a prick…who dies, someone else dies (do you see a pattern emerging here?) and there’s a couple of not so expendable teens that have a romantic entanglement.

If you’re looking from some good monster action (and really, who isn’t) Loch Ness Terror is the one night stand for you. There’s a surprising amount of bloody action to be found, limbs are flying left right and centre and dammit if the creature doesn’t look all that bad, it’s got surprisingly good effects for a Sci-fi original, hell this whole movie is surprisingly good for a Sci-fi original. – Danny Price

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