SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #6

SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #6 – SEPTEMBER 2008 EDITION

It’s time it’s in the air it’s what everybody wants. IT’S SCHLOCK VALUE!!

That’s right boys and girls, it’s time for another slice of that cheese filled pie you just can’t get enough of (holy crap my openers are getting bad!), anyways, this month’s installment into the epic saga that is Schlock Value sees a worldwide attack orchestrated by killer vegetables, a killer gigantic CGI eel that can swim through thin air and a horror movie that features a teenager engaging in an actual debate with her killer before their real, real identity is revealed.

Enjoy poopyheads.


ATTACK OF THE SABRETOOTH
was spawned by George Miller in the year 2005


The first of two monster movies in this issue also happens to be the first sabretooth tiger movie I’ve ever seen, which isn’t all that impressive because I only know of two sabretooth tiger movies…hmm good thing though because my first sabretooth tiger movie experience wasn’t impressive at all.

The ex-step brother of a wealthy good to do businessman is invited to his ex-step brothers island where he’s holding a party/business meeting to celebrate the opening of his island resort/hotel/theme park whose main attraction are a number of resurrected sabretooth tigers brought to life with cloning technology.

This all coincides with a bunch of good looking teenagers (including such stereotypes as; the Goth, the jock, the Asian, the token black character and the virginal good girl) pledges who have been sent to the island to take part in a scavenger hunt as part of their tasks. Gee that’ll end well.

This one had all the makings of a stupid good time on a late Friday night with a beer and a bag of Doritos, I’ve had many such a night with the likes of Komodo, Python and Arachnophobia I had just such a night with this little diddy, make no mistake though because it’s very, very bad.

If I had a dollar for every CGI creature I’ve seen I’d be a fucking millionaire (billionaire if it were for every bad CGI creature), from that little comment you may have already guessed that Attack of the Sabretooth has had a less than impressive amount of computer work put into making its main baddies look as sinister and intimidating as they should be! Not only that but there’s not even many of them. The CGI is so poor it’s plainly obvious that the people who were put in charge of creating them had absolutely no idea about a tigers body or bone structure because NO tiger or even cat can army crawl like that! It’s physically impossible!!! (Notice the exclamation points)

So we’re at the halfway point in the game, how bout we check out the scoreboard thus far, we have a pitiful amount of on screen time with the sabretooth tigers, and what little we do have is shoddy and poorly done, so is there anything good about it? YES, believe it or not but there are funny characters, they’re so stereotype that they’re fun to watch get slaughtered one by one, and their dialogue isn’t the normal cheapo indie horror flick drivel that we’re so used to seeing, it’s actually funny…at times.

Like I said before, it’s good for a lazy night with fuck all to do the next morning, expect nothing and you’ll get very little in return.

RAZORTOOTH was spawned by Patricia Harrington in the year 2006


Where would our genre be without the humble monster movie? In a very sad a sorry state that’s where, monster movies are the backbone of the horror genre, whether they be giant insects, mutant aliens or the age old werewolf, monster movies have always guaranteed one thing…fun times!

When a secret scientific organisation breeds an eel that grows to be ten times its normal size it’s inevitable that the big bastard breaks out (that’s the number one rule of any good nature runs amok flick) it just so happens that a pair of convicted felons decide to break out on the very same night and the guards sent out to search for them are torn to shreds by the slippery sucker, and so begins Razortooth, one very stupid movie with even worse digital effects.

Razortooth is without a doubt a spawn of cinematic stupidity, and I call foul on the DVD cover which clearly describes as such: “Something is alive that should have died eons ago…” now I ask you, does that sound like the description of a genetically modified science experiment that’s gone wrong? Nope.

Anyways, being a hugely-massive-gigantic-super-doper-uber fan of all movies monstrous and run amok I’ve seen many a movie that promises grip the edge of your seat tension and fails to deliver said tension, so does Razortooth deliver the tension the DVD cover promises? HELL NO! What it does have however is an abundance of shots showcasing it’s amazingly fake looking CGI eel, there are so many that it’s like a little kid with a brand new toy, it almost appears like they made characters make stupid decision all so they could show off their fancy eel…almost.

There have been so many fake shot on digital horror flicks that it’s become a sub-genre unto itself, and speaking of fake there’s nothing more fake then those fucking guns! It says something about the calibre of a film when the stand out of the film is the shoddiness of the artillery, we’re supposed to believe they’re high powered rifles? They’re fucking air rifles! That’s right, for the second half of the film, when a posse of townies has been rallied up to hunt down the killer eel, the majority of the townies are sporting air rifles and holding them at the joint to cover the fact that it’s an air rifle! Wow I focused all my attention on that?

This movie is so shoddy it was only just worth the $2 I paid to rent its sorry buttocks, it’s simply a series of predictable deaths strung together by a load of unimportant dialogue that’s sole purpose is to pad out the film to its 91 minute run time.

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER was spawned by Jon Hoffman in the year 2003

Wow, I cannot possibly explain my absolute love for this film! I swear to god that I’m not kidding when I say that this turd is really a chocolate coated sundae in disguise!

Where else can you see a girl stretched to death, a fake out scare centered around a man’s bladder, an actual debate in the midst of a murder, an identity reveal that made my jaw drop (at the sheer absurdity) and the most insanely irritating cock tease since the suitcase in Pulp Fiction.

A bunch of stereotypical teens from an all girls private school, on their way to a dance with their seedy principal and pro-lesbian eighty year old teacher who has more than a thing for her students, they breakdown on the side of a road and are found by a hillbilly who offers to tow them to his caryard/home where he’ll fix their van (you’d think people would have learnt not to take favours from hillbillies), one thing leads to another and you get your run of the mill cheaply made slasher flick…until the ending!

Scream Bloody Murder is a stupid movie that knows it’s a stupid movie but doesn’t try to be so stupid it becomes a parody but stays just stupid enough that you don’t pity it for its substandard level of seriousness, it’s mindless fun, abate a little tedious in some parts, for the majority of the film it stays just funny enough to keep your attention, from the ‘did-I-just-hear-that’ pro-lesbian teacher who gets her freak on with multiple jailbaits (but I’ll be damned if they were played by actual teens) to the oh so very head slap worthy ending.

But please people, if you’re ever going to make a low budget film, please, please, please, PLEASE learn how to shoot day for night! You could actually go the whole hog and actually shoot night for night!! Now wouldn’t that be a novel idea, just for the love of god don’t just add a blue hue and expect your audience to believe it’s night time because believe it or not but the majority of us know that night time doesn’t look electric blue. – Danny Price