SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #5

SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #5 – JUNE 2008 EDITION


I’m back with a vengeance, long my absence has been due to education commitments but here I am again (just when you thought you got rid of me) with my ever dependable trio-o’-cheeseo (hey that’s a new word, I CALL OWNSIES!!!) This month you get Raptor, a dinosaur/monster movie with one very stupid looking puppet for a killer monster, Paranoid which is one of the dumbest movies you will EVER see (that’s a promise), and The Crow: Wicked Prayer which is one of the best stupid sequels ever made.

Also, as a special treat I intend to post the two minute silent short film I was working on instead of writing the last month or two worth of Schlock Values, it was shot in half a day and edited in one, had to be silent and exactly two minutes long, it received a ‘High Distinction’ which is the highest mark achievable in the course so hopefully you guys will like it, keep an eye out for it sometime down the track.


RAPTOR
was spawned by Jay Andrews in the year 2001

Why oh why must I keep doing this to myself? Oh that’s right I’m a sadist and love being mentally raped by this rare breed of stupidly good movie, and what could be more stupidly good then a movie about a rampaging Raptor (yes the dinosaur) where the part of the raptor is played by a very fake looking puppet? NOTHING COULD BE BETTER/STUPIDER I TELLS YA’!

When a genetically engineered Raptor (though constantly referred to as being a T-Rex) breaks out of its comfy confines it tears a rather mediocre path of death and destruction through a nearby town it’s up to Eric Roberts to take it down, with the help of a busty, not at all convincing, female scientist of course.

Well this is pretty much the prehistoric equivalent of every Shark Attack movie ever made (that’s only three right? Because if there’s a fourth then I got some eBaying to do!) it only the raptor was 100 feet long and the chick said something along the lines of; “I’m feeling kind of turned on, how bout I take you home and suck your cock?!” now that would have made this flick worth the five bucks I scrapped from the depths of my right hand pocket, but fear not because the film does have its very own very sucky tagline; “eat this Barney!” it’s right at the end so just fast forward, you can still hear the line for yourself and spare yourself the pain of watching the entire movie.

Instead we get a cheaply made, cheaply acted, cheap looking, cheap feeling, cheap sounding, and all round cheap movie that would make for a perfect lazy Friday night when you have little more to do then sit on the couch with a bag of chips (of a deep fried variety of course) and veg out a short portion of your night whilst watching a stuffed toy nipple at pile of bad, bad, BAD looking gore that’s meant to be a victims innards, I’m sure the director wants it to be believable but I just couldn’t get past the thought of that poor dinosaur puppet getting anally probed by someone just off frame.

I read somewhere on the magical invention known as the internet that the film had an eight minute sex scene comprised entirely of a looped shot of an actresses gargantuan breasts…BULLSHIT I SAYS. If such a sex scene existed in the film then I must have passed out from mental trauma (caused by the films cheapness no doubt) and missed the entire thing because the only boobs I saw lasted a whole half second. I was robbed of my eye candy dammit.

And the ending…can anyone say Aliens? I propose this film be renamed Forklift vs. Dinosaur wouldn’t that be more appealing!?

(Note: Prior to writing this I had no knowledge of the films relation to the Carnasaur movies! Imagine that.)

 

PARANOID aka FRIGHTMARE was spawned by Ash Smith in the year 2000

Some people should be banned from purchasing video cameras, but then again if such a law were passed then we wouldn’t be blessed with such cinematic masterpieces as Paranoid, and THAT would be one hell of a shame……ha.

A group of students at Sugar Hill High School put on the world scariest (*cough* lame *cough*) haunted house and in the midst of all the terror it’s causing a young girl is “savagely murdered”, everyone immediately blames the oh-so-very infamous ‘Conscience Killer’, a killer with a bloody history in the town. Sara (who has been obsessed with the since his beginnings) and her friends appear to be the new targets of the world latest and lamest killer.

I’d be very interested to know how many people have actually seen this…thing, so much so that i’m going to have a word with Mikec and Robg about doing some sort of bulletin asking for everyone whose honesty seen it (in any capacity) to write in and let us know because this is one of those no budget, shot at home horror movies that I can’t see being seen by anyone else.

One thing stood out at me whilst watching this movie, why was the killer called the conscience killer when he doesn’t show any form of moral when killing, his only M.O. is offing people who look like Sara’s friends, not her actual friends but those who look like them, wait, I stand corrected I think there were one or two friends that were killed but they were soon forgotten by ever caring Sara.

When I say this movie has nothing going for it I mean this movie has NOTHING going for it, there’s barely any gore, no real plot to follow, horrendous acting, an atrocious villain, awful, awful dialogue and possibly the world stupidest, cheapest most god awful student film type endings known to mankind.

I garan-damn-tee you that about 99.99% of the human populous could make a better movie then this!

THE CROW: WICKED PRAYER was spawned by Lance Mungia in the year 2005


Few films can make me smile that special smile, that inner smile that I and those like me possess, if you too have it then you know what I mean, but let me explain it for those of you who don’t, there are some really, really bad movies that though unforgivable in their badness are still highly enjoyable for a select few and when we even hear the title spoken by another human being we smile our inside smile. The Crow: Wicked Prayer is now up there with Dr. Chopper and Shark Attack III: Megaladon for me!

Edward Furlong plays the newest crow who (in the heart of Mexicana) is sacrificed with his lover as part of a ritual by some bad guy and Tara Reid (heehee…yeah), when Furlong is forced to watch his dearest beauty killed before his very eyes (ironic when you see the film, ha there’s a pun for you as well) before being killed himself he is later resurrected as the indestructible dark angel known as The Crow! And we all know what happens next.

Shout out to fright friend Teagan who put me on to this little diddy, it was worth all 90 minutes of my life it took to watch.

Mikec will agree with me when I say that as far as sucky sequels go the best type of sucky sequels are sucky sequals to sucky sequels (confused yet?), think Shark Attack III: Megaladon which was far more so bad it was good then Shark Attack II, I’d watch Scarecrow goes Wild over Scarecrow Slayer anyday.

Gold leafed turd would be a good way of describing this film, the costuming for this crow is far better than the previous ones (though I still like Brandon Lees crow makeup the best) the jacket looks so cool, but as a trade off we get Tara ‘I’m an actress…no really I am!’ Reid as…get this…a hit(wo)man, the very same Tara Reid who we were supposed to believe was a scientist in Alone in the Dark! (Now that was funny).

And then there’s Danny Trejo……………………sorry I’m just trying to hold my guts in, my stomach just split from laughing at the mere memory of his ever jiggling jelly belly as he brings the crows crow back to life whilst dancing, it’s a sight to be beheld believe you me.