I know, I know, this edition of Schlock Value was meant to be wacky tabacy themed one but finding a copy of Killer Condom is proving harder then originally thought. So instead I’ve got three more films from my oh-so-very-reliable what-the-fuck stockpile, they’re stupid and they’re dumb.

Two of the three pieces of cheese on the platter tonight come to you courtesy of the half assed B-Movie marathon I had for my birthday, my Uni buddies turned me to them upon learning of our mutual love of anything topped with cheese (Mmmm cheese) and lightly grilled to perfection. – Danny Price

HAUNTED BOAT was made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Olga Levens

Haunted Boat…where to begin? First of all, what high school drop out gave this film its title? They’ve proved once and for all that originality is extinct, that being said kudos to the motherfucker for doing it, fore a title that makes people stop and go “huh?” will do a shit load more at attracting an audience then anything else this god awful hunk of cinematic junk has going for it.

When reading the title what comes to mind? I’m going to guess that 98% of you readers will be thinking that it is a movie about a boat that is haunted, most likely by a ghost right? WRONG jokes on you, you presumptuous assholes (come on guys you know I love you), lets have a hand for the other 2% because no matter what crosses their tiny little minds whilst eleven letters which make up the films title I’m willing to bet that it’s way closer then you other guys.

A bunch of tools take a boat trip and wind up trapped in a fog which forces them to face their greatest fears – *cough* bullshit *cough* – said fears can come in the form of regurgitating spaghetti or just plain disappearing…oh wait that was a cast member not getting paid their $3.50.

Whilst I sit holding this DVD in my hands (the skin of which is already trying to crawl down my arm and as far away from it as physically possible) I wonder who I have to thank for this abomination.

The answer has a name: Olga Levens…the mutant love child of Uwe Boll and Robert Rodriguez. You see the problem with trying to be the female equivalent of the one man crew is that when you suck, you suck BAD!!! (Notice the extra exclamation mark…that’s me trying to emphasis a point).

I’ve seen some low budget, homemade pieces of shit in my time but… GODDAMN is this bad, the camera work sucks harder then Paris Hilton, do you remember when The Blair Witch Project came out and people were bitching none stop about how much the shaky cam stuff caused nausea? Meet the sea sickness emulator, a.k.a. Haunted Boat.

Haunted Boat is a classic example of why some people shouldn’t be allowed near a camera.

CLUB DREAD was made in the cheesy year of: 2004 and cheesily directed by: Jay Chandrasekhar

Oh the joys of Club Dread, so many memorable characters, so many memorable lines, such a near miss. This was one of the movies my friends put me onto, and thank god they did because I had pledge never to watch it (I don’t really remember why though).

When a bunch of good looking peeps (Jordan Ladd…nuff said) take a vacation on a tropical island resort the staff are kept on their feet, especially when a serial killer begins to off those who aren’t doing their jobs right!

Club Dread is by no means a serious movie, shit if it were then what’s it doing on my column? I’ll tell you what Club Dread is, it’s a far funnier version of Scary Movie only without the nods, it’s a slapstick slasher movie which manages to be funny every second of it’s round about 90 minute run time.

Kudos to Jay Chandrasekhar for playing the greatest token Jamaican ever committed to film as well as penning possibly the funniest line known to man: Advantage Putman…not laughing? Context people it’s all about context, have YOU ever seen a man make out with himself?

SCARECROW was made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: Emmanuel Ltier

*giggle* I feel simultaneously giddy with excitement and horribly repulsed with myself when thinking about this one, when I watch a cheesy B-Movie the one thing I hope for is the ability to just go balls out and tear the shit out of it, or at least laugh my ass off at the sheer absurdity of it as opposed to being bored shitless (Komodo vs. Cobra anyone?), Scarecrow delivered both in spades!

Young Lester is your typical picked on high school teenager (it couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that he looks like he’s 50 could it?) he also has a major geek crush on Tiffany Shepis (can you blame him?) but of course the school jock makes life a living hell and constantly teasing him with the nickname: ’scarecrow’ (ohhh the subtlety is killing me), things are just as bad at home as he walks in on his trailer trash mother banging some random redneck asshole. One thing leads to another and redneck asshole ends up strangling young Lester at the foot of a badass looking scarecrow, for some unknown reason his soul is magically combined with said scarer of crows to bring forth a corn stabbing, ninja flipping, incredibly un-scary schlock horror icon.

When I say he ninja flips I do indeed mean he ninja flips, when my friends (Teagan and Taryn) promised me a ninja flip for nearly every kill the scarecrow makes, they didn’t lie!

1st Rule of Scarecrow: if there is to be a death it must be punctuated by a ninja flip.

The gore is horribly bad, consisting of nothing more then food coloring mixed with water dripping, and let’s not forget the oh-so-very obviously fake heart that the scarecrow rips out of a mans body.

Yes Scarecrow is stupid, make no mistake about that, but how can you possibly go wrong with a movie that utilizes corn as a weapon!?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *