SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #3 – FEBRUARY 2008 EDITION
This edition of Schlock Value was meant to come to you wrapped in a nice little Marijuana leaf (not literally of course) and complemented by an actual theme, but due to circumstances beyond my control my copy of Killer Bong became MIA as a result of my dodgy pack job and a 250km move. Why?…I am forced to ask whatever unseen forces that controls all that is, why couldn’t you have taken my copy of The Hitcher? WHY?!?!
I now find myself trying desperately to find something to replace my original write-up idea, and quite inadvertently put together something that does in fact resemble a theme!
Mwuhahahahahaha, I laugh with such zeal not only because I compiled the worst trio of shit yet, but because I had to actually sit through them all in order to bring them to you! I am experiencing a perpetual state of dumbening…hey, that’s not even a word!!!
Schlock Value presents: BRAIN BUTTER…
Three of the very WORST movies EVER made, risk viewing them at your own risk for it will undoubtedly cause your brain to melt (hence ‘Brain Butter’), eyes to burst and insides to evacuate your body via your asshole escape route in an attempt to avoid the mental torture the rest of you is sure to endure.
I kid you not, you WILL be in mental pain after watching these, that will then lead to physical pain, possibly self administered.
That concludes this months pre-screening rant, I am off to make some toast, I’ll see you at your funeral.
P.S. I was going to do Mummy Maniac instead of The Curse of Halloween but I didn’t think it’d be far on you guys to make you watch two Lommel bowl movements in a row!
DIARY OF A CANNIBAL was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: Ulli Lommel (aka ‘The Devil Himself’)
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WATCHING THIS MOVIE AGAIN?!?!?!?!
Jesus Christ, there is absolutely no reason why anyone should ever be subject to this movie once, let alone twice!
I’m sorry if the following plot explanation seems somewhat incoherent, but rest assured it is by no means my fault, it can all be put down to the fact that the plot itself was so incoherent that it would take a far greater writer then yours truly to find the tiniest grain of coherency in it, and one even better then he (or she) to actually put it to page in a way that makes more sense then anything a 6 year old-retarded-autistic kid with A.D.D could write in blue crayon on a wall.
*Crosses self* Okay, here I go…so from what I can piece together from the jigsaw puzzle like montages that Lommel has employed here, there’s this boy who meets this girl via this virtual wonder that has become the internet (*Slaps forehead* NO WAY?, yes kids, it’s not just used for porn! I was as shocked as you!), they date for a bit and eventually find themselves in this factory where the fella thinks it would be a jolly good idea for his missus and he to solidify their relationship through the act of cannibalism, to be more specific he wants her to take a bite out of him, no scratch that, eat the whole fucker up! (And here I was thinking it was the chicks’ job to say: “Eat me!”).
This (and much more) is told by way of endless montages, non-linear ‘storytelling’ (ha like you could even call it storytelling?), to call it overkill would be under describing it, we are force feed more masturbatory editing techniques then an over zealous first year film student, but I do have to thank Mr. Lommel for one thing…next year I’ll be an over zealous first year film student, chances are I’ll be forced to defend my own movie, and now I’ll have a scapegoat ready to go!
To call this an actual movie would be a slap in the face of every other movie not made by Ulli Lommel, get your apology letter for Uwe Boll ready because he’s fucking Hitchcock next to this sorry SOB and his super-ultra-mega-uber sucky piece of crap.
I don’t fear death, for I have seen Diary of a Cannibal……twice!
STRAWBERRY ESTATES was made in the cheesy year of: 2001 and cheesily directed by: Ron Bonk
Have you ever watched a movie only to find yourself totally and utterly speechless afterwards, I don’t mean in the same way that Evil Dead II or Halloween (well maybe the remake) did, no, I mean in the way that you are left dumbstruck long after the credits have left the screen, when in retrospect it was probably a good thing that your gun wasn’t within reach or else you’d be deep-throating that fucking barrel.
If you are a virgin to just such an experience and you go into Strawberry Estates then you have more balls then I do, it’s similar (though not nearly as mind-blowing) to using Ice as your first drug or a nuns first sexual experience being a six man anal gang bang!
No kiddos I haven’t over hyped it, if anything I have only touched the surface of metaphors and any English textbook term you can think of, to describe the truly idiotic and worthlessness of Strawberry Estates.
Still want to know what it is? Too bad, to describe plot there actually has to be plot, take your video camera and record you and your friends sitting around discussing some benign topic for a half our or so and you’d have more story then Strawberry Estates could ever dream of, the worst part of it is that there is another 60+ minutes of mind numbing boredom left.
It’s supposed to be a ghost story of some sort, but just like the crocodile in Supercroc, they don’t show up for aaaaaagggggggggeeeeeeesssssss, and when they finally do they’re wearing the oddest assortment of t-shirts for ghost I have ever seen, did Ron Bonk fire the costume department or something? What gives? I’m not scared of them, I’m just scared of what the disc might do to my DVD player!
And who in the name of fuck provided the cover quotes for Strawberry Estates? What super drug were you on when these thoughts found their way from your brain to your lips?
“Very scary…not for the faint of heart” – Amazon.com
“Acting by highly credible performances from the younger cast, that single concept is intriguing…” – Fangoria Magazine
Okay, I agree with the first one, it does scare me to think that someone out there thought it would be a good idea to make this abomination and if I had a weak heart watching it might fuck me up, but seriously guys who quotes Amazon.com? The freak show internet reviewers on there have half the brain cells of the already brain cell depleted idiots on IMDb for Christ sakes.
And as for the second quote, I must be misreading it because that doesn’t even make sense! Robg asked me to pick up my feet due to the fact that my grammar left something to be desired…I present scapegoat #2…and it’s Fangoria!!!
I no longer fear Diary of a Cannibal, for I have just seen Strawberry Estates!!
THE CURSE OF HALLOWEEN was made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: …wait, this was directed?
*Sigh* The Curse of Halloween…to all of you more casual horror fans out there and especially those ready from my home country of Australia, I say to you here and now: you are lucky! You are lucky because this piece of abysmal trash cannot be easily found, you pretty much have to go out and search for it (which I highly discourage you from doing).
Why is it so bad? Because it is NOTHING!!! There are so many things about it that make it so condemnable that it’d run into next months write-up.
Hmmm, let’s see:
It’s nearly a whole 37 minutes short of it’s advertised run time, there are recycled sound effects which sound like they were stolen from a Nu Image release trailer, not to mention the over indulgence of sloppy stock footage and one unbelievably long and completely unnecessary vacation montage.
Whilst watching this…this……THING, I found myself repeating one question over and over again, “Who the fuck made this?” it looks so amateurish it make every other amateur movie I’ve ever seen look like a fucking masterpiece.
It’s too hard to explain what happens because as I said before NOTHING happens, the only reason why I (and anyone else unfortunate enough to have actually suffer this movie) bought its supposed storyline said something about this ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ being the villain. Admit it people, you’d be interested in knowing what the fuck it’s all about too. But let me tell you something kiddos, if there was a ‘Great Queen Pumpkin’ in this movie then I didn’t see her! There was this one guy who I can only assume the ‘filmmakers’ were trying to pass off as being ominous, but ominous he was not.
The cherry on top of this massive serving of whipped shit just so happens to be the stupidest bookends to any movie, past, present or future, there was this one guy who we see at the start pressing a gun to his own head as he recounts the events of ‘that Halloween night’, then at the end when he’s finished regurgitating this piece of crap on us he says that he cannot remember what happened to him and his friends, to which I responded by screaming at the TV in a verbally abusive manner which caused the neighbors to stop by and ask if I was alright, perhaps the gooey melted brain matter leaking out of my ears wasn’t a good enough answer for them huh?
Fuck anything and everything that has to do with this unforgivable, catastrophic, cataclysmic, abominable fuck up.
Diary of a Cannibal, Strawberry Estates AND The Curse of Halloween, I just can’t take anymore, that guy with the gun in TCOH just gave me a good idea! Where is my gun? – Danny Price