SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #1
SCHLOCK VALUE: ISSUE #1 – DECEMBER 2007 EDITION by Danny Price
G’day mate. That’s not a knife, this is a knife. I’ll get my boomerang so we can rustle up some tucker, cricky put another shrimp on the barby while you’re at it. You get the vegemite and we can ride our Kangaroos home. Okay, now that I’ve gotten all the clichés out of the way let me introduce myself, I’m your Aussie messiah and spiritual leader through the world of B-Movie cinema, there are places where you could get lost amidst the sea of schlock, so I shall endeavor to bring to you, good folk, some must see (or at least must know) pieces of cheesy movie crap. The world of schlock awaits, you are its bitch.
To kick things off I wanted to include some of my favorite bad movies, each one stood out to me in some way, shape or form, I have a problem with keeping things short and sweet (I am going to therapy to fix the problem, but it’s hard getting past step 4) so hopefully my ranting won’t be too boring.
Make no mistake, the movies here are bad (with a few exceptions) don’t blame me if you go blind from staring into the cinema equivalence of a solar eclipse, and I won’t be paying your medical bill for cranial surgery coz your brain melted, so be warned kiddos.
DR. CHOPPER: Made in the cheesy year of: 2005 and cheesily directed by: Lewis Schoenbrun
What better a way to kick off this biatch then with my very favorite piece of shit B-Movie, the one, the only….Dr. Chopper, a slasher horror movie with so much cheese it’d make a fat (and I do mean fat) guy full.
What is Dr. Chopper I don’t hear you ask, well I’ll tell you what Dr. Chopper is anyway, it’s a guilty pleasure in the form of 80 something minutes of pure unfiltered idiocy.
A world famous plastic surgeon and his two Playboy cover girl model nurses with watermelon sized tits are on the run from the law using the ol’ Doc’s trademark American Chopper. Flash forwards 15 or more years and we are introduced to the most bi-sexual and extremely stereotypical horny teens who just so happen to be heading to a dilapidated cabin in the middle of a woods where coincidently a decrepit, yet extremely spry, Dr. Chopper has been harvesting organs with his less Playboy cover girl model looking nurses, with their less ample and equally downsized titties, but increased decomposition rate and cannibalistic hunger, they do this in an attempt to find an undiscovered and unbelievably rare chromosome which will act as a biological fountain of youth and turn the psychopathic Dr. Chopper into a Nobel Peace prize winning scientist. *Phew*
Let me list a couple of its cheesy B-Movie moments;
1) We are introduced to the main character at the funeral of his parents, he is mourning and is traumatized, his first thought….If we all go to the cabin tonight I’ll get laid.
2) There are scenes added for no reason (other then the ‘Boner-Factor’) thrown left and fucking right which feature semi naked chicks standing around wearing bra and panties, in one scene a lesbian rubs her tits in her Asian girlfriends face even though she suspects there is a cannibalistic freakazoid nurse outside!
3) Costas Mandylor places a gritty and brooding park ranger who for the past 15 year has been looking for the person or persons hacking motherfuckers up, he has taken the job up in an attempt to drown his past demons as the widower of a cyropractor who couldn’t cure a patients back pains and killed herself……….that was no typo!
Oh and did I mention the main character is the illegitimate love child of Dr. Chopper as a result of his on again off again love affair with the guys mother seventeen years ago? Oh wait that’s the twist! Oh wait again, no it isn’t a twist it’s that extra slice of cheese sat atop what is truly a marvelous piece of crap.
SHARK ATTACK III: MEGALADON: Made in the cheesy year of: 2002 and cheesily directed by: David Worth
“I’m feeling tired, I think I’ll just go to bed”
“Well I’m feeling kind of wired, how bout I take you home and eat your pussy!”
I argued heavily and heatedly with that asshole I call my split personality (until me & I came to an agreement and have hot and heavy one handed makeup sex) as to if Shark Attack III could be called Schlock, because I wouldn’t really classify the first two as Schlock, they just weren’t good movies.
But by the time the end credits begin to roll I dare you not to agree with my decision to put it on here.
Shark Attack III is Shark Attack II with a bigger shark, but that was the deciding factor which elevated Shark Attack III to Schlock status, who wants to see a 100 foot shark eat shit up? *Raises hand*
When a rather large (but far from 100 foot) shark terrorizes the beaches of a island resort, tearing people in half and causing general marine animal havoc, a marine biologist is brought in to assist the local coastguard in the handling and disposing of said fishy (wait a moment, I think I’ve seen this movie). The biologist believes it to be a baby ‘Megaladon’, a prehistoric shark which reaches 100 feet, and recent human influence deep sea activity has opened a previously sealed cavern in the oceans deepest depths, releasing the long thought extinct species of badass fish.
Upon the first sharks death, sure enough, a true Megaladon emerges and swallows more loads then Jenna Jameson with a dislocated Jaw (see that? That’s called a homage).
This movie is so great in its absurdity. There is so much badly integrated stock footage it’s like watching several movies at once! Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Milhouse plays Fallout Boy in the new Radioactive Man movie and disappears so the editor shows an example of how they could replace him with stock footage…….yeah, that bad.
There is even a point in the movie where I am sure the filmmakers decided to make characters make illogical decisions only so they could watch the Megaladon swallow people again, just one more time. Let’s see…100 foot shark attacking boat by sea, hmm…..”ABANDON SHIP!!!!”
Cheesy effects + Cheesy characters + Cheesy dialogue = Cheesy movie….thank you god.
Shark Attack 3 clip – Seeing is believing…
TYRANNOSAURUS WRECKS: (THE EDEN FORMULA in the States) Made in the cheesy year of: 2006 and cheesily directed by: John Carl Buechler
The great thing about B-Movie schlock is that the worse the movie the bigger the pull factor, if you’re a fan of bad movies and you hear that a movie is so bad it’s worse then the worst movie you’ve ever seen, then it has to be seen. For me, in the last couple of week or so Tyrannosaurus Wrecks was that movie.
I first got a taste of how unimaginably bad it was from the god of schlock cinema, Foywonder, over at www.dreadcentral.com, his review under the title The Eden Formula, had me psyched to see, you may be asking ‘why?’, and the answer is because I’m a glutton for punishment, so sue me.
So of course I was ecstatic to see this straight to video piece of crap staring back at me from a shelf at my local video store, 76 minutes later I knew that I had hit the very bottom of the crap movie pile.
For my first write-up I knew I had to throw in monster movies (which are some of the schlockiest movies of all time) but there is so many that I knew it had to be a standout, prime example of idiocy, here it is.
Simply put, a scientist creates a little something called The Eden Formula and clones a Tyrannosaurus Rex using said formula, the achievement becomes a big thing (as you would expect) and it isn’t long before someone else wants to get their greedy little hands on the discovery so a team of oh so very unbelievable soldiers led by Candyman himself are sent into retrieve it, shit hits the fan when they open every door in the facility in which the cloned T-Rex is being kept, then WHAMO dino on the loose in LA baby.
Sounds great doesn’t it? Wait till you see the dinosaur, it has had some very, very, very, very, VERY bad computer generated work, but the cheap and cheesy puppetry is pure genius, I have never so guilty for laughing at something so embarrassing, you know when you’re watching something alone but you still feel embarrassed that you’re watching it anyway? It is just like that! But you know what, for a movie so stupid, the acting isn’t that bad! Tyrannosaurus Wrecks is the ultimate ridicule movie, if you’re watching it with some mates you’ll have a blast tearing the shit out of its hokeyness.