I wanted to review this film, not because it’s a great horror classic, but I figured anyone into horror is generally going to think this movie is worth seeing:
You know I went to film school and I really should know better, but I love crap movies. I’m a huge fan of 70’s disaster movies and so I’ve been in this “airplane” movie kick over the last few weeks. I think the “Airport” (not “Airplane”) series is goddamn hilarious. The next best thing is the “Turbulence” series, because there hasn’t been a direct-to-video movie series this awful since “Operation Delta Force part 1-5”.
Here’s a little recap: “Turbulence” was a $55 million dollar flop starring Ray Liotta as a serial killer on board a 747. “Turbulence II: Fear of Flying” was produced for a $1.98 and on the idea that since nobody saw “Turbulence”, they won’t notice all the special effects shots are taken from the first film. “Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal”, assumes nobody saw “Turbulence II: Fear of Flying” so you won’t notice actor Craig Shaffer is now playing a completely different character.
But, my friends, it gets better for the gods of crap cinema have truly blessed us with a winner: Let’s start with
the story: Death rocker Slade Craven (who sings the hit, “Gun Love”) is planning his last concert on board a 747 with 40 of his biggest fans. He manages to perform his concert complete with light, smoke and lightening effects. Ever been on a plane? Yea, I know. Well, then satantists hijack the plane intent on flying it into a church in Eastern Kansas, which is reported to be the seventh gateway to hell. Are you following me? Ok, because here’s the kicker: Slade Craven, in his tight leather pants and corpse makeup, must now overpower the hijackers, and somehow land the plane without smudging his eyeliner. Yes, this is the disaster movie that combines the plot of “Airport 1975” and “The Crow”. I don’t know which I prefer, cross-eyed Karen Black trying to land the 747, or this guy. Hell, I don’t know anymore if I prefer Helen Reddy singing to Linda Blair in “1975”, or Slade Craven’s mega-hit, “Gun Love”. See what garbage movies do to you? But it gets better still…
In our cast, we not only have Golden Globe award-winning Rutger Hauer (Blade Runner) as a satantic co-pilot, we also have Emmy nominated actor Joe Mantegna. And once again, most of the special effects shots are taken from the original “Turbulence”. Need I say more? Run, in your tight leather pants and Crow makeup, to the nearest video store and rent yourself a copy of this masterpiece.
Special Features: COMMENTARY!!! I can finally get into the heads of those responsible for this movie. I love it when crap movies come with audio commentary, I’m fascinated by the process of making a wretched piece of cinema. The commentary track includes the writer, producer, and John Mann (Slade Craven). They all seem genuinely proud of the film. I’m proud of them too, because it takes guts, real guts, to make a movie this wacky work. The producer spends most of the commentary narrating the film though. Boring. The writer keeps letting us know what great plot twists he wrote, and John Mann explains how much he really, really wanted this part. I’m glad you got it, buddy. I love it. – mike c.
Editors Note: Mike, you forgot to mention the very beautiful Gabrielle Anwar & icon Brad Loree (Michael Myers in Halloween: Resurrection). Slade Craven rules!!! – robg.